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2009 Southampton Berlinerweiss, 150 Bottle Whale Slaying for the low ABV haterzzz

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Damn son, has it come to this? Fucking around with that 2% piece like a baller ass Derringer with one up in the chamber. So this one last came out 4 years ago in a massive 150 bottle release. Most people stroking it to King Henry or having nocturnal emissions about CBS don’t even know what the fuck this bottle is. This site isn’t for them. For those of you who actually appreciate this 2% choad, you will how know deep this satisfies due to the girth. Let’s give the fucking 2012ers a second to Google this and become Berliner experts for a moment.

Alright, lets go.

The 40's of this release are where they really hit their stride. Try to trade for those ones.

The 40’s of this release are where they really hit their stride. Try to trade for those ones.

Southampton Publick House
New York, United States
Berliner Weissbier | 2.00% ABV

A: This looks like pure sunlight and running through a field of cattails on a warm summer day. The carb was perfect and crackled in wispy foam that hung around like a bottle of Sprite mixed with some pineapple Fanta. Amazing radiance to the center and it just feels refreshing to look at, suddenly being underwater on your mortgage and living in shitty ass Kansas doesn’t seem so bad once you have this Berliner.

Things dont get more uplifting and likable than this beer.

Things dont get more uplifting and likable than this beer.

S: This is a lemon bomb that again pushes the Sprite envelope with some faint haint, light musk akin to a sort of brackish aspect and a gentle saltiness. Insert hot rope joke here, and move on. This again has a light tartness to it and the acidity is more like a chaperon than the prom king.

T: This is so damn gentle and refreshing with the watery lemon aspect, wheaty backbone that is thinner than Keira Knightley. Again the acidity is a soft pat on the shoulder and serves to buttress the faint lemonhead mixed with water. The musk is super subtle and this is made to be crushed with a swiftness. A sort of Stevia sweetness closes out this banger and begs for another sip.

Took a pull off this Berlinerwale and couldnt even believe how crisp and clean it was

Took a pull off this Berlinerwale and couldnt even believe how crisp and clean it was

M: This is so. damn. thin. I can’t even communicate how crisp and refreshing this is to drink. You would put this in a waterbottle and go on a 30 mile ride on your Trek you fucking yuppie. This is lightly sweet and faintly tart, nothing is overdone but nothing is really done either. It is ethereal and feels like something you would drink if lost in the desert or while getting your cock pierced at Burning Man. Uplifting.

D: Off the fucking charts in drinkability, this beer is. The fact that this is a whale is tragic and no other beers in this realm come close in execution and balance. I loved the New Glarus Berliner, this is some Radio Rahim shit though, inimitable. You can squint your tastebuds while drinking Hottenroth but it still just isn’t even close. I could crush this by the case and still make it to my job at the Golden Corral carving station. You can be irresponsible as fuck with this beer and still have a modicum of responsbility. If they served this at AA, the meth users would be happy and perhaps a few less kids would get this asses kicked for leaving their bikes in the driveway. We can only dream.

When I finally got to try this, my face be all like

When I finally got to try this, my face be all like

Narrative: “SIIIIICK ELIMINATOR BROTORCH!” Ah shit, they brought this guy again, god damn Tevin Jacobs. “Ahhh can’t wait to load this up with sick girls, grills, shots, schwaaaazeeeee-” Tevin began twisting lemons into a blender, making his salty sweet potation to refresh everyone present. He’s is trailing off again with what is debatably not even a real word. Why do they always bring this guy around? He is so irritating. “And THEN I WAS ALL LIKE this-” Oh great, now he is grinding all over my dad’s speedboat. He is offensive and I see him so infrequently but that drink he whips up makes it all worthwhile. The lemons and limes get all these women so relaxed. They always say he’s great to have around at parties but just a few minutes of this Tevin and I am already sick of him. “SO I ALWAYS TELL CHICKS LIKE OK THINK ABOUT IT, you could never get PREGNANT ON ANOTHER PLANET BECAUSE THE gravity is all different, it would straight pull it down and-” Jesus, the refreshing motjito is hard to justify, but makes me feel refreshed around this asshole. I just, I can’t sit here and listen to this butchering of science. “Yo bro, can you hit me with a Michelob Ultra? Tryna hit up the gym sitch later!”

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De Dolle Stille Nacht Riserva 2010, Sippin them Off-Vintage White Whales Tryna Flex

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Alright, everyone knows that the 2000 vintage is the testicle drainer that everyone loses their shit over. But what about the equally alluring NEW vintage? There were all kinds of rumors about how many bottles actually made it stateside, I heard anywhere from 380 to 1100. Shelton be flipping bricks of that raw uncut so it wouldn’t surprise me on either front. This aint even stepped on, 25 months in a barrel making North Carolina breweries shake their heads in disdain.

Twisting my nips and turning co2 knobs. Wait wut

Twisting my nips and turning co2 knobs. Wait wut

Brouwerij De Dolle Brouwers visit their website
Belgium
Belgian Strong Pale Ale | 12.00% ABV

A: People complained like little Delta Gammas when they pour this out about the lack of carb but to be fair, it was in a barrel for 2+ years and it is 12% abv, I wasnt expecting some crazy bubbly gusher out of this decadent bitch. This is penny amber and deep copper notes at the center with a nice radiance to it. No lacing, no sticky bubbles, just a lil prejizz wisps on the collar. This isn’t your first time.

SNR10 ahwww shyttt mad trill sonnn, lemmie get my shitty Artful Dodger hoodie and sip a 1oz pour CIRCERONE BEER PROFESSIONAL WERKIN back up BJCP MAD TRILL

SNR10 ahwww shyttt mad trill sonnn, lemmie get my shitty Artful Dodger hoodie and sip a 1oz pour CIRCERONE BEER PROFESSIONAL WERKIN back up BJCP MAD TRILL

S: If you walked into this shit expecting a belgian strong, guess again motherfucker. This is deep cherry, oak, vines, merlot, red grape, tannins, fruit by the foot, and some sherry wafts on the backend giving some sweet dryness. Your aunt has been sipping on that cherry cordial liqueur and wants an open mouth kiss, for old times sake. Those 2 years in the barrel made this asshole a heartless sour wrapped in vines and you know deep down that barleywine-esque maltiness is there, but too much time in the hole made this Virgil a product of Bordeaux hell.

T: This follows the nose pretty congruently and lends some tannins to the malty base but at higher temps you get a sort of english barleywine aspect to it with some toffee and caramel in the finish. However, the cherry ring pop and red wine continues to run the yard, shanking malty inmates with pieces of sharpened oak. Dont fuck around with this beer, hold its outturned pocket and know your role.

That feel when you pop crazy bottles and have nothing to talk about in the elevator on Mondays.

That feel when you pop crazy bottles and have nothing to talk about in the elevator on Mondays.

M: This is initially sweet and sticky from the cherry and malty base beer but then the tannins and oak cause a mouthriot and people start throwing dry mattresses over the railing drying shit out pretty quickly. Riot control washes it away clean but you know that dryness is coming back after the cherry aspects leave. The ABV is pretty well integrated but it is there polishing a fat Cabernet nightstick ready to pound the fuck out of any bitter zones that get out of line.

D: This is drinkable but a whole bottle for lunch on a Tuesday was a bit cloying after it warms a bit. Hey here is a crazy idea, maybe you should fucking share this bottle instead of being a greedy fuck? Yeah, I know. I would get down on this again but maybe spread the love around a bit next time. I liked it but didn’t fall in love with it and the complexity took a backseat to cherries and port near the end. No regrets/10, would bang again raw dog double lover no rubber on that reservoir tip.

BEER REVIEWS? Psh I have been doing those sence lyke 2011!!1!!

BEER REVIEWS? Psh I have been doing those sence lyke 2011!!1!!

Narrative: “Well hey hey hey fellas!” Chip Merken piped out loudly while deftly handling his pitchfork. “Ah can it Chip, we can’t take it on harvest day.” Harvest day was hard and long, with an oppressive sun. Chip was always a crisp jolly individual who could somehow out-harvest the others, and outsow his colleagues at planting time. He popped a cherry into his mouth and thought up another upbeat tune and began to rap on a piece of oak. “Toot doot dee do da dee dee daaa” he whistled some antiquated tune to himself, smiling in between breaths. “COME ON, DAMNIT CHIP!” One co-worker threw his rake down in anger. “Here we are trying to harvest some damn wheat and instead we have you all up in our heads with your old show tunes and knock knock jokes, don’t none of that make this any sooner!” Chip’s smile slowly faded and he looked down at his glistening pitchfork, “don’t let them get sore at you old Chip, don’t let what happened before ever happen again,” the darkness in his heart burned. “Well sure fellas! I will go get the reaper, I GUESS!” The reaper indeed young Chip, the reaper indeed.