You might as well go click back to BeerstreetJournal or one of those other sites where reposted label approvals fly as original content, this website is gonna go off the rails for a bit talking about foreveralone video game shit.

Ostensibly beer related: I get really shithoused and play games designed for children

First let me start with a bit of context for this post, people always would read DDB, see the JRPG references and rave about this game and as the direct sequel to the phenomenal Ocarina of Time, I figured I would take time from doing normal adult shit like passing out in the entryway to play this old gem.  I missed out on this game because when it came out I was busy figuring out what the inside of a vagina feels like and snorting rails of crushed up Flintstones vitamins.

The whole premise of this game is that some dipshit, who is not Ganon, is going to destroy the world and you have 72 ingame hours to save the world.  “Oh tight, so you have plenty of time then?” FUCKING WRONG.  You have like 70 minutes to finish the entire game.  If you don’t complete what you set out to do within that window, moon crashes into Hyrule, game over, no continues, no Arby’s HJs. That’s right, a game predicated on puzzles and exploration has a completely needless time limit.  Remember how fun that was in the original Fallout when you had 2 days to repair the aquifer? Yeah, such a great time working within some arbitrary bullshit construct.

The entire game summed up in a single photo

“Well surely there are save points or something to remedy this meritless ticking clock?”

Yeah, you can save your game and it saves it with the same fucking timer ticking away.  If you save your game 30 seconds before the end of the world, have fun jacking it in front of Epona for half a minute before death.  That’s your save file.

“You learn a song that resets the clock and takes you back to the first day”
Oh yeah, what an awesome feature, you know what else it does? UNDOES ALL OF YOUR FUCKING PROGRESS UP TO THAT POINT.  I don’t need a song for that, I already have it right in front of me, it’s called the reset button. WOW SUCH TIME TRAVELS.

“Some of the things aren’t wiped away though”

My point is that a game predicated on that whimsical feeling of exploration shouldn’t have this constantly degrading looming aspect of death.  I found myself saying fuck all to even listening to any of the towns people because I had no time to address their concerns with the moon about to ruin everyone’s shit.

Alright time to fight the BO- /game resets.

To make things worse, even if you do figure shit out, reset the game, you can go back to a spot and the world might be completely different depending on where the moon is at.  You wanted to get inside Goron temple, whoops it is day 2, now you can never get in, reset the game.  There is so much backtracking in this burning trash fire that it makes Metroid Prime look linear by contrast.

Hats off to Nintendo for porting a game that is HOURS upon HOURS of backtracking to a portable system.  Not only is doing the same repetitive shit a blast, but doing it with cramped carpal tunneled adult hands adds to the immersion.

Would a deuce by any other name smell as sweet

“If you dont want to explore or deal with the moon, just use a walkthrough”

Right, because that’s the hallmarks of a great game, just playing through it like an itemized chore.  Go here, get this, dont go there, make sure to do this nonobvious thing you would have not thought of organically: the game plays like a fucking madeline recipe and people who own a 3DS clearly do not cook or clean anything.

Things that have replay value: interesting experiences, new outcomes, different paths, incentives for repeat playthroughs. The exact opposite of that is forcing someone to beat a boss that they just fucking beat due to an arbitrary ticking clock.  Solving puzzles is fun, having someone had you the same crossword 15 times in a row and asking you to fill it out is the game equivalent of working for the IRS.

The great chores of my house have need of my might as well. This entire game is a fucking laundry list of pestering tasks. LAUNDRY: NOW FOR THE 3DS

“But the game is darker, the moon adds consequence and depth to the experience”

The game might have seemed dark before you had pubes, but I assure you that this is not some Michael Haneke piece worthy of your solemn contemplation. Go watch Fight Club again and tell me that pithy anti-consumerism bullshit seems novel and dark as an adult. Having a creepy moon constantly hovering over your actions doesn’t make thing any more dark, it just adds a pestering feeling of nagging to everything that you do.  If you enjoy this dark feeling, open your 3DS and try to play this in front of your wife and the disapproving nagging will increase exponentially, if that is your thing.

“The game added a series of revolutionary concepts to the Zelda franchise”

Yeah if you fell out of a treehouse and forgot every other entry in the series.  Time travel? Done. Getting the hookshot and the same bullshit items yet again? Yup. Learning songs? check. WAIT BUT MASKS: who gives a fuck. The one thing this game excellently captures is the crushing sisyphean reality of the futility of existence.  Nothing is of consequence and you end up not giving a fuck about your own life or Link’s.  In fact, the biggest merit of the game is that it demonstrates the complete waste of time that video games represent at large, this game just point a finer point on the timesink by pushing you back into a hole every 72 minutes.

Every time I open my 3ds to play this garbage

Man, between shitty bourbon reviews and 900 word video game rants, this website is somehow getting worse by the day.  DDB will never win that Saveur award at this rate.  Maybe I need a piece of wood and a DSLR so I can turn this site into a shitty food blog ostensibly about beer. You don’t give a shit, you are still nursing that mint julep Mayweather hangover.