Brewers need to get in on this get rich quick scheme, stay with me now: HOPPY TABLE SAISONS. We already know floccbois want that haze. What if you hit them with the original unfiltered creamy Sunny D: farmhouse ales. The average hazy ipa fan only interacts with the sun when they are standing in a DMV style lines for cans or walking around a theme park, but the green glass will hook them.
Take Amalgam for instance. We lure in these saison-curious palates with promises of hops and POG juice, then once they are firmly in the barn, hit them with the bone dry hay bales. It has the fescue, that Bermuda/herbal smack but with an Anjou pear underpinning. We already know NE IPA fans basically just want citrus juice, so we shift their palates to other produce instead.
The 3.6% abv reinforces their ability to croosh mad lychee juice and wont cloud their judgment when they are looking at NFTs or Toyota 86 coilover kits. Table beer is what hollandaise fans secretly have been missing all along. Most of them were born in the 90s so they missed out on terrible Hoegaarden or Shock Top Belgian wit era that we all suffered through. To a hazeophile, they are making this radical bucolic discovery. The chlorophyll and construction paper will validate that adult regression that has these people doing coloring books, journaling and adult kickball leagues. It’s stunted growth by design because the ABV is meant to be small.
Imagine if Blaugies did 16oz pounder cans with stolen IP on them. Wallonian citra cravers would be peeling out in whatever the French equivalent of a TRD Tacoma is. American craft beer dudes will buy their entire wardrobes from REI and Carhartt and then average 1600 steps a day. We can change this.
Beer nerd exercise doesn’t need to be standing in lines and stumbling from tent to tent with pretzel necklace resistance bands. Hot saison summer is upon us and these bone dry drillers can turn things around.
When you spot a dude in a five panel hat ripping crème brulee clouds, tell him this is the new hazy IPA made with a crazy yeast that had to be imported. Or that Travis Scott drinks table bieres. Table time is now.