Every year beer consumers develop nuances and habits that become increasingly difficult to break. Some of them are downright INFURIATING. Below is a list of the biggest offenders that you should cut out of your life in 2016:
- Stop Mailing Corks and Cages to Your Ex Girlfriend
We have all been there, you have had a few and start looking through your phone, next thing you know, a collection of cork and aluminum garbage has been Fedex’ed to Jennifer in Tampa. This is a normal activity between consenting adults, but it’s improper to mail a box full of these to just anyone. You can’t keep this up in 2016, it’s time to move on.
2. Cut Ties with that Shamanic Kegwasher
It is easy to fall into routine and allow yourself to be pulled down by that necromage who cleans kegs and promises eternal splendor in exchange for your spiritual allegiance. Stop collecting ingredients for his potions or eidolons. You don’t need him anymore, 2016 is your year.
3. Don’t Let Your Beer Representative Force You to Watch Kazaam
this ends in 2016.
In the three tier system, beer reps can be VERY persuasive. Sometimes it feels like those 6 packs of Dortmunder got on the shelf practically on their own. Despite this, you don’t need to be watching any 1996 family fantasy films starring Shaquille O’Neal. No matter what your beer rep says, there’s no need to watch STEEL either, you have more important things to do.
4. Let Your Android Double Sent Back from the Future Out of Your Beer Cellar
he’s so bored down there
Old habits die hard, and this is no truer than when you need to cut ties with the cybernetic doppleganger you trapped in your basement. You might feel like he is helping your beer collection, but in reality, no one needs a time traveling avatar and he needs to get back to correcting the chronology continuum in his own dimension. A better you is right around the corner.
5. Let Someone Else Declare, “This Was Overhyped” Once in a While
“I guess I just expected more, based upon things other people also said, to which I listened.”
In 2016 it will be important to know when to lead and when to allow others to dismissively write off a beer at a tasting. A balanced life means you allow others to complain loudly about something, don’t keep all those bold generalizations to yourself. Sharing is growing.
6. Designate Your Beer Collection to a Beneficiary in a Conditional Will
Getting older means planning for the future. In the event of your untimely demise, it would be irresponsible to escheate all those stale barleywines to be divided up among your estranged family members pell mell. Select a recipient and make receipt of the beer collection hinge upon a life trial. “Stay Overnight in a Haunted House” is a bit trite, but 2016 is your year, you need to make these hard decisions.
7. Stop Savagely Twisting the Nipples of Your Hop Vendor
This is a simple fix that many people overlook: it is improper and likely illegal to grip and twist the papilla of another person, so don’t do it. Chances are, a wholesaler doesn’t like leaving an establishment with violent dermal ruptures, either. Sure you might feel that urge when he shows up with some Southern Cross or Opal, but wholly crushing a person’s areolas in mid-conversation is gauche at best.
8. Finish the Great American Beer Trade Novel
You bought a Macbook last year, and despite this, you still never finished writing your magnum opus about two people dropping boxes off at UPS. What’s stopping you? 2016 is the year to remedy that. The public absolutely needs to read the tale of a box being shipped via railroad to a new destination. Writer’s Tip: mirror sections from Ulysses in your bottle shop hunt for dramatic effect. A new year means a whole new year of creating!
9. Stop Steeping Three Doors Down CDs in Roggenbiers
dont give in to temptation.
This might be the most difficult behavior to alter, but there is no better time than today to stop submerging six times platinum “THE BETTER LIFE” underneath German rye ales. You might not even notice that you are doing it at this point, but when you get the urge to completely soak your “KRYPTONITE” single, ask yourself if there’s something else you should be covering in Germanic esters instead.
10. Don’t Send Any More Boxes of Beer to Voltaire
not even once.
Many people mistake “gratuity” with “buying affection” and this is no truer than when you attempt to send boxes of triple IPAs to French Enlightenment polymath, Voltaire. Despite having been deceased for over 238 years, it shows poor confidence to constantly pander to the Gallic historian. You deserve better. This one simple trick will also stop international boxes from being returned with labels to “CANDIDE MAN, Versailles.” This will save you hundreds of dollars in a single year!
DDB hopes that these tips improve your 2016 immeasurably, HOP SLAM IS COMING OUT NEXT MONTH!