Not content to just score just one of these 300 bottle releases, I set out to land all four and have a WWF Battle Royale, Columbian ladder match, RCp90s in the Stack, slappers only.
So we all know about the PAjotenland turning out all of the authentic american lambic, all those tired ass jokes. But what about this darkhorse in Missouri constantly sniping with a .300 knockout from the weeds? What about Side Project’s headshots? The only sensible thing would be to make a cuvee in my liver and let them duke it out. The only loser is my body and the resultant GERD. Let’s drop acid in today’s review:
MATCHUP #1 – PEACHES
Peachfunker vs. Peche Du Fermier
Both of these bad ratchets were $30 and a 300 bottle release. So even weight class, with equal hype in their corner, but who takes the belt in this stonefruit seed? Well first and foremost, can we all take note that the Pizzaboy bottle looks like trubslurry autolyzed garbage? I mean really, that’s beyond turbidity to just straight up Kerns and juicer dregs. It looks like complete shit and the carb is minimal.
The nose on the Funker is admittedly awesome, like working in a fruit packing warehouse, reminds me of that one scene from La Bamba, except migrant workers are far too exploited to drop four hours wages on some stupid ass consumable. The nose on the Fermier is good but lacks the tannic punch of the Funker.
Taste wise the Fermier destroys the Peachfunker without mercy, it isn’t even close. It is like when you pick M. Bison and make the other person try to use Zangief. The fermier has exquisite balance, not too acidic, not a one dimensional lacto Cascade/Upland adventure, it delivers on so many levels. It has wafts of Haribo peach rings, chardonnay, white grape must, peach jolly ranchers and tropical jolly ranchers. I was bracing myself for excessive acidity but it seems to have avoided that route as well, which sucks for old DDB because that low hanging fruit is so easy to bomb on.
The peachfunker is just deficient and reminds me of the fucked up bottles of Bruery Filmishmish, to compound that I traded big for this and it costs twice as much as the defective bottles of Bruery slurry further compounds the problems. The hefty sludgey mouthfeel doesn’t do itself any favors and it comes across like Roebeks over and above a nimble american wild ale.
ROUNDTWO: APRICOT MEXICAN STANDOFF
Alright so Peach Fermier took the first round, but can the Funkers make a bold comeback with those tinier, tarter, more stoney of fruits? Let’s fucking find out instead of all this neck kissing and freak dancing.
The apricotfunker looks better, but still, come on now, look at that fucking shit. Out of the gates it is hard to equate these two when one is attempting to do backflips looking like an emptied White Labs vial. You can dip your finger in it and it coats like pie filling, lemon meringue pie smashed on a Foreman grill. The Fermier looks standard, nothing really to comment upon one way or another, so it wins by virtue of not dropping a pulpy deuce in its True Religion jeans.
On the olfactory, the Funker wins again and I can only assume that adding a staggering amount of fruit will do that. At a certain point I question the credibility of the underlying beer because it is shrouded in so much fruity fondant. The base beer could have been a Dortmunder or a fucking Gose, with that much fruit you are pushing an apricot cart and happen to have coronas in tow as well. The apricot nose on the fermier is sharp and exhibits a massive tannic presence, juicy and dry like kumquats. It is by no means bad, but the nose on the Funker is straight up Dole mouthkissing Sunkist.
The taste front is much much closer in this one because the Apricot funker is actually really fucking tasty. It has this 2% milk mouthfeel from the weighty fruit and orange julius tones are present in full force. The fermier is nimble as fuck, FG 1.00000 and contributes this finish that is as long as the credits to Metal Gear Solid II. Both are fucking stellar and it isnt any of this boring Mayweather shit, no technical sparring between these two, it comes down to preference. I feel like the Fermier is more refined and demonstrative of poise and ability, but the Funker just hits hard with pulpy fruits.
If I have to put the fermiers at each other’s throats like Amores Perros, it would almost be a dual knockout. Both are incredible in different ways, and equally impossible to land so why are we even bothering with this shit. I would say that Abricot Fermier simply because it exhibits this distinctly regal quality of intense drinkability, brett C depth, and a long dry finish ranking in that untouchable Persica batch 1 realm. When you see the ISOs you dont WANT it to be as good as it is, because fuck anyone who demands a 5:1 with comparably rare bottles. It is admittedly top tier and no tums were harmed during the documentation of this stonefruit battle.