Alpine Kiwi Herman, The Perfect Beer to Enjoy in the Solitude of an Adult Arcade

Man this beer was released today and people have been ripping their pubes out in frustration for all manner of reasons prior thereto.  It is either pretrades asking for Blauw, lowballers offering up shit like bomb multiples, people with feels about how the BPT release went, the narrow pickup window, or just general old-fashioned localized butthurt.  Grade A uninformed shit talkers will point hard at BA Token and Chez Monieux, while simultaneously seeking this beer out.  Self-aggrandizing dipshits will try to flip this for Ann before even trying it.
Beer releases bring out the best in people.

So is this better than Chez Monus? Let’s grip them fuzzy fruits and caress the berries in today’s review:

I had three pours of this on draft before it kicked, zero ragrets were felt.

I had three pours of this on draft before it kicked, zero ragrets were felt.

Alpine Brewing Company, 7% abv

Wild ale, one two three year base beer blends aged in wine barrels with kiwis and strawberries

Please note, this review is relative to only the draft offering.  The bottled version could be nothing but unrolled condoms.  I would open my bottle but I am waiting to trade it for Pipeworks or Cigar City beers.  I trust you understand.

Please note, this review is relative to only the draft offering. The bottled version could be nothing but unrolled condoms. I would open my bottle but I am waiting to trade it for Pipeworks or Cigar City beers. I trust you understand.

A:  This is a beautiful beer right out of the gates, radiant hues, frothy microbubbles with sheeting that leaves garlands of wispy clouds like when you try to close the Brazzers tab before wiping your hands off.  It shines and has a mildly milky turbidity like all them new fangled Vermont IPAs all the kids get their first nocturnal emissions to these days.

ITS JEST DDB TRYENA BOOST UP THE TRAED VALUES ONCE AGAN. SO MUCH CANCRE, I kno bcuz i have tried evrything and i have objectiev tastebuds

ITS JEST DDB TRYENA BOOST UP THE TRAED VALUES ONCE AGAN. SO MUCH CANCRE, I kno bcuz i have tried evrything and i have objectiev tastebuds

S:  The nose is fantastically bright providing a blast of Gushers candy, refined acidity, fruit by the foot, zero acetic aspects present in some other Alpine sours, and in an odd way reminds me of Zomer in that “sun in a glass” intensity that calls out to both summer fields and farmers’ markets.  Their is a light brackish note to it akin to some of the 4% light offerings from De Garde.

"FT: Vanilla Rye" offers be looking like

“FT: Vanilla Rye” offers be looking like

T:  Strawberries are traditionally a complete bitch to work with, just balls of acidity and insoluble fiber.  You either never get the strawberry taste, or it ends up being a New Glarus smuckers jam bomb.  This hits the perfect middle ground where it presents strawberry at the outset, you get the pithy berry and Special K dried fruit aspect, but then the kiwi comes in to deliver that acidity you were hoping for to round out the complexity.  The fruit works in parity with a one two punch that presents the best aspects of both admittedly unbalanced fruits.  Go drink Cascade Strawberry then chase it with Upland Kiwi and you will feel the clear inequality between how amazing this beer is by contrast.  Alternatively, if you take the already stellar Omniscience and Proselytism and add the complexity that some of the Jester King sours so desperately need.

M:  I braced myself for dry rot at the outset when the kiwi began to work its scorched earth campaign, however, the facerape never sets in.  It is unquestionably bone dry, with strawberry juice to fill in the closer to make you want to chain combo the next sip with air to ground combos.  You can drill the 500ml bottle by yourself without any problems, and you would be reticent to share it with anyone after tasting it.

2k14 tickers drink a few fruited berliners and think they on that g13 shit.

2k14 tickers drink a few fruited berliners and think they on that g13 shit.

D:  Piggy backing on the previous category, it is intensely complex but never turns into a cheesy gruyere forward beer that is cloying.  Concurrently, it never tips its hand in the realm of acidity and remains welcome from first pour to light warming.  I liked Chez Monus, but I feel that this is more complex, more nuanced, less full frontal acidity and allows the interplay of the fruits to work in ways that aren’t as predictable as the same stone fruit milieu we have seen a million times before.  It is simply a better beer across the board and it is well worthy of your iphoneSex, give it that facetime.

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2 thoughts on “Alpine Kiwi Herman, The Perfect Beer to Enjoy in the Solitude of an Adult Arcade

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