Yearly Archives: 2014

0

@Tiredhandsbeer So It Goes, For Those Times When You are Firebombing Dresden and Get Thirsty

|

Ok, you have read Slaughterhouse Five. We get it. Shit, you may have also read Breakfast of Champions, hell you probably will email me with some Bukowski references just in case. I get it, you like post-modernist literature, random DDB fan. Let’s couch that and talk about TIRED HANDSESES FIRST WILD ALE. Some haters will likely chime in with “they have made wild ales all along, they just chose to call them farmhouse ales.” A monocle-polishing dipshit like that probably does great with the ladies.

Anyway, let’s take a look at this Flandersy wild ale before we become unstuck in time. OK LAST VONNEGUT REFERENCE I SWEAR.

DOES ANYONE NOTICE THAT MY NEW CAMERA TAKES LESS SHITTY PHOTOS? God, there's no impressing you assholes unless I take things to Adam Jackson/Sean Van Taggen lightbox levels. You simply aren't worth it.

DOES ANYONE NOTICE THAT MY NEW CAMERA TAKES LESS SHITTY PHOTOS? God, there’s no impressing you assholes unless I take things to Adam Jackson/Sean Van Taggen lightbox levels.
You simply aren’t worth it.

Tired Hands Brewing Company
Pennsylvania, United States
Style | ABV
Flanders Red Ale | 9.00% ABV

510 bottle release, 2 per person, people have gotten shanked for less. Ardmore Pennsylvania putting work in the streets, that PANDEMIC, yellowtops.

A: This looks like a straight up flanders red that got a lil tan, maybe did a 15 minute bed when the hot chick told her to only do a 11 minute bed. You don’t get that ruby red, not the Ring Pop sort of affair that you might have gotten all swole, and it almost starts toeing towards the Oud Bruin benchmarks with the old SRM. I know just mentioning OUD BRUIN makes some people’s buttholes pucker so we will move on. The carb is substantial and looks great, frothy cherry mocha whip, sitting on top of a dark burnt brick red medium. The whole affair feels more “substantial” than those bitch ass Rodenbachs you sip after your Zumba class. Sick vascularity, full range of motion.

this is bit bigger, thicker, redder, and more powerful than you expect, but the result is pretty cutty.

this is bit bigger, thicker, redder, and more powerful than you expect, but the result is pretty cutty.

S: This toes the old Flanders line and drops you somewhere in between a vintage Rodenbach (like the 2007 cellar reserve) and Caracterie Rouge. To clarify, you get a substantial acidicty and that borderline acetone/acetic that you would expect from the style, but it is lighter than the Oud Bruin side of things. There is the black cherry, marascino cherry, red chapstick, sucrets, some malty presence, and a tannic finish that reminds me of a big Napa cab. Again, this isn’t my favorite style but they are going hard in that cherry paint.

T: This takes the traditional flanders and jazzes it up with some hammer-on/pulloffs, bends, and slurs within the cherry/malt scales. Things feel more boisterous, the malt profile is ramped up and presents a sort of baked bread interplay with the cherry profile, the huge acidity mixes with the cherry cordial, the 1’s and 2’s are constantly cutting from dark cherries and bruised fruits and jumping back to balaton merlot beat drops. Tired Hands remixed the fuck out of your Duchess and you can’t even handle it. The closing taste is a bit too tart at cold temps and if you want those fruits to balance shit out, you need to let this open up. But once you let this warm up the abv starts peeking its head, so there’s a cost benefit analysis. You get some raspberry and pumpernickle bread, all laced with ornate acidity that never overstays its welcome, but chaperons throughout.

Them cherries will put you on that SubbyDoo swerve, other blogs start tucking they chains in

Them cherries will put you on that SubbyDoo swerve, other blogs start tucking they chains in

M: For the substantial malt profile you would expect this red wine monster to close with balance, but it remains pretty dry and thin due to the noteworthy acidity. I don’t want you to think this is some Upland Cherry sort of affair, but it isn’t exactly Cuvee de Tomme either, its a tart and puckering Flanders that underwent the Weapon X project in Canada but instead of adamantium in its bones, it was infused with powerful cherry acidity. WILL IT USE THESE POWERS FOR GOOD OR EVIL?

D: Given the dry profile, acidity, and lack of overwhelming fruit profile to reel things back in, I would say a 500ml is about right. I never tired of the beer, but I think a 750ml would be a touch ambitious for most people. If you like Griffin Bruxellois or some of the ultra tart Jackie O’s offerings in this same vein (Evelyn, things of that nature) then you will love this. If you approach this expecting a Tess D’Urbervilles walk through the garden with a flower tucked in your lapel, you will probably end up getting pounded like she did.

That face when you pop a legit wild ale and know hater tickers are gonna tell you about their Costco Duchess

That face when you pop a legit wild ale and know hater tickers are gonna tell you about their Costco Duchess

Narrative: Detective Walter Janicsykowski had been working this beat for 13 years and had never seen anything like this. “Sir, it’s the same as the others, victim laid in a prostrate position, cherry juice on the hands and mouth, grenadine in and around the vaginal area,” forensic scientist Mark Walmsly noted, pointing to the woman’s wrists and ankles with an LED light, “you can expect to see more of these.” The Squeez-It killer had been ravaging the Ardmore populace during what was an unseasonably warm May. The cherries were ripening at an alarming pace and Walter took a deep pull of his Wild Cherry Slurpee while surveying the glossy black and white photos. He noted pits and stems arranged with care near each victim’s body, each cherry homicide executed with more intent than the less. It was a paradox in itself. A pitted sweet fruit, the subject of multiple serial murders. Somewhere in the streets, the killer was pouring himself a Shirley Temple and planning his next mark.

0

@gooseisland Brettanomite, Chicago Cultures Bringing those Brettangomeechies Heaters

|

Back in November when Cahutlow dropped people went apeshit. Somehow in the scramble this solid gem got overlooked. This seems anomalous given what we know about Illinois and their previous trading propensities, a brewery only release with a sub-400 bottle count? This should have been the second coming of VSB, wild ale rapture for stretchmarked Cubs fans mashing out on overloaded hot dogs. Alas, the Humean proposition holds true that we cannot predict the future except by inference, and this one was relatively quiet: UNTIL NOW.

But on the real, this is a solid sour beer and I am gonna go irie on today’s review

Damnnn 750ml and waxed, shit is this had an ornate carboard box you know shit would have been way too real

Damnnn 750ml and waxed, shit is this had an ornate carboard box you know shit would have been way too real

Goose Island Beer Co.
Illinois, United States

Style | ABV
American Wild Ale | 6.30% ABV

One-off steeze. 350 bottles.

GI BE LIKE: we’re releasing Brettanomite, our final beer of the 25th Anniversary Series. The brewers hand-bottled a sour wheat that was aged 13 months in oak barrels with Brettanomyces, Lambicus, Bruxellensis and Lactobacillus (6.3%) It’s golden in color, has wild aromas of ripened stone fruit, a spicy tart flavor and a cleanly balanced finish.

A: This is a touch darker than I was expecting given the “wheat beer” base, maybe I was thinking I was in for some 312 Urban Wheat Beer (now in cans) but this presents a much darker countenance, more in line with them Sour in the Rye offerings, but still inviting nonetheless. The carbonation is substantial and drops foam left and right with cascading rings of lacing fighting against the noteworthy acidity ripping down them malty residuals like tannic sandcastles. Bubbling like girls when they see they have 4 episodes of SCANDAL on the DVR.

You met her on Plentyoffish but wait until she finds out how much you spent on this dumbshit tick. u dead homie.

You met her on Plentyoffish but wait until she finds out how much you spent on this dumbshit tick. u dead homie.

S: This presents an awesome apricot bouquet at the outset with mild oakiness, nectarine acidity, dented peaches, pluots left to ripen and fall of the vine, and the slightest hint of musky complexity. For all the brett in the name and brett this and brett that, it seems more like a Lactomite or a Pediomite, but only completely worthless brewers use Pedio puns in their labels, so I understand the move. This is an inviting beer that has a slightly less acetic nose akin to Sour in the Rye Kumquat. This will be a running theme so dig in, this beer is essentially a SitR deviant, albeit 10% better executed. The edges rounded off and a coat of lacquer applied for that showroom glean. Then again if GI sent this nationwide, to Whole Foods, to Bevmos and Total Wines, we could anticipate that loving $30+ price tag that we enjoyed with Halia. So there’s also that.

T: This is a touch more acidic than the nose would suggest but it still remains in balance, not exactly in a Belgian tradition, but somewhere less aggressive than the testicle twisting pH of say Upland offerings, more dimensions than the Cascade lineup, but falls short of some of the wild farmhouse offerings that the top tier American Saison purveyors are offering. The taste is almost more in line with “saisons” in the Prairie and Side Project realm with that amped up acidity and pineapple, light oaky/grassiness in the finish and the fruit tannins overseer making sure those malty fields are tilled with care. For posterity, take Sour in the Rye and dial back the acidity and the spicy rye character, you get this beer. Which is to say it’s a tasty treat.

Dont hoard these low bottle count ticks, fuck school, pop these burners. These bitches love Sosa.

Dont hoard these low bottle count ticks, fuck school, pop these burners. These bitches love Sosa.

M: This isn’t the sandiest vagina at the beach, but it isn’t exactly some juicy treat either. It presents a lingering dryness but Zambonies things to an even plane with a juicy profile up front. The coating is minimal and leaves some sort of bitterness and acidity on the swallow but you can still swing a big dick at a tasting with this, stunt on tickers opening BRASH BROS offerings.

D: This is highly drinkable but not into the “CROOSH” range if we are using terms of art. The GERD factors arent in play as the acidity is blaanced out, you don’t get rumble guts and this remains pretty consistent throughtout all temp ranges. You don’t get cankersores and it isn’t overly drying, but it isn’t the most memorable beer either. You could buy a Juliet instead and, while different, you are on a similar level of stunting. Giving up mad bottles for this is like an injured Chris Paul it aint got no point. Some people think the Panamera stunts on the 911 hard, but ultimately you don’t need to drop Persian stacks to run those sub-5 times, it just boils down to panache. If you want to bosst your petty ego with a shitty website, post grainy pics, talk shit on fictional interlocutors behind a computer screen, bolster your inferiority complex predicated on beverages, then sure this is for you. So if you aren’t DDB, you can still hang out the window and get your Suge Knight on without this bottle.

my face when tickers be like "you rate Geese Islands beers unfarely!"

my face when tickers be like “you rate Geese Islands beers unfarely!”

Narrative: The F-18 screeched along the cloud cover awaiting final orders. This escort mission had gone horribly wrong and now he was stuck in this Blue Angels mission from hell. “Commander, primary guns are shot, nothing left on frontline support, only offensive materials available are AIM-Sidewinder missiles.” The commander sighed and turned off the intercom, “ALL HE HAS IS HEAVY FIREPOWER! We are talking 4 big shots to make an impression, this is a suicide mission!” “Sir, you left the intercom on, and I know what I am going into, I know what to do, GODSPEED!” The intercom went into a thicket of static and the sound of hissing bombs cutting through the atmosphere cut through the airwaves. “That crazy son of a gun just did something I have seen very few men capable of, a one-sided honorable assault. Godspeed.” The smoldering robusto appeared not unlike the failing jet engine, cutting through the mist. That acidic bastard just went out in a rare showing, a balance blaze of glory most would never see again. The demonstration was hardly necessary, but the sheer showmanship made it all worthwhile. Commander Jennings took a deep pull from a pineapple juicebox and watched the LED green dot disappear from the MCOM scanner.