There’s a bounty of japery over here at DDB. We make jokes, call people out for having stretch marks, ridicule orphans, and listen to Crystal Gale records non-ironically. Today is not a fun day. Today is one of those overcast days like when you made the mistake of buying Final Fantasy XIV and sat through a 8 gig update only to experience the biggest pile of dog dicks ever. Such is today’s beer. Some times you have to go face first and lick a Lucas taint to appreciate the fun times, those afternoons of whales need to be offset with super shitty beers otherwise you lose perspective.
Sometimes I go to bottle stores and buy things like, off a shelf, shake my head and lulz thinking when I will ever find time to drink them. Today is one such day of shittiness. Godspeed DDBitches.
Founders Brewing Company
Michigan, United States
Fruit / Vegetable Beer | 10.00% ABV
A: Things start off normal enough, but like the movie BRAZIL, you are in for some serious twists and mind bending shit soon enough. There is a nice golden and amber appearance that looks like an imperial/triple IPA if I didn’t know better. The carb is billowy and crackles invitingly. The look of this beer is easily the best part. You could pull mad pranks on friends by sliding them this innocuous-looking trojan horse of face raping. Like most things, I would rather have something that looks like shit but is consistent and delicious. But hey, some people date girls from Arizona State who are constantly stumbling down a staircase of cocks, so who knows.
S: This is like if someone cast Mango Ultima inside of a vagina soaked in cayenne pepper. There is a sticky sweet mango that is like that horrible GOYA juice that they serve you at AA meetings. It also reminds me of those red pepper chile pops that they slang out of Ice Cream trucks in the barrio. Take all that, then add a lingering alcoholic heat that somehow sticks its head about this mango/pepper orgy and looks at you menacingly. Sometimes when I sneeze hard my butthole puckers, this beer evokes the same reaction and rape faces are engaged while the mango starts fashioning a shiv for your gut. This doesn’t seem pleasant by any stretch of my rectum.
T: Things go from bad to worse when you actually drink this beer. If you have ever had Jamba Juice from concentrate and then decided that it needed ancho peppers with habanero, then you are just the type of person with horrible judgment that this could be marketed to. Thankfully the ABV is completely masked in the pandemonium, but that’s like saying “In the midst of the prison riot, I didn’t notice that the Strokes were playing on the
intercom system.” I guess be thankful for small favors. It is mango concentrate with a mouth deadening pepper, Novocaine along the bitter zones, a vegetal chive lingering aftertaste like a Skrillex smashup of mango sweet meets Peruvian raver sweat.
M: This is hot, like butch taint at Lillith Fair hot. There is this sort of air freshener waft that lingers in your mouth but mostly its this annoying salsa chile tapatio deadness that isn’t scorching like Ghost Face Killah, but it doesn’t belong in beer. You can make a beer with eggs, you can add durian, do whatever, but make it taste good. I don’t recreationally go down on clowns, and that’s what this feels like, mango and white face paint rubbed all over my jawline. I am left with feelings of smash peppers and shame. I tried to share this with my “normal” friends and they looked at me like I put on a Hentai dvd for mutual enjoyment.
D: Well, take the foregoing and imagine drinkable that would be. I would probably rather engage in urethra gauging over taking another run at this. The large format makes this all the more hilarious. It is like marketing was like “well my mouth feels like I have been huffing GSXR exhuast after eating a bag of SKittles, BUT WHY STOP AT 12oz with this 10% session beer!” and high fives were dispersed pell mell. I cannot recommend this for anything beyond 1) cooking 2) masochism or 3) one of those Uncle Donald exercises where you give it to a 12 year old to scare him away from beer. Actually, if you want to lose weight, stock your fridge with only this and youll be super paleo by the week’s end. This is easily one of the worst beers that I have had this year and before you pipe up with some shit like “OH YOU NEED TO DRINK IT WARMER/COLDER/HIGH ALTITUDE/AFTER SEX/UNDERWATER” or any other litany of suggestions: no. This Bath and Body Works trainwreck needs to go sit in the corner.
Narrative: no narrative. This was already saying too much. Mango afterbirth covered in chile picante corn nuts dust.