Kern River Class V Stout, Pass Legislation to Make this an Official Blanket Alibi for 4 a.m. Dietary Decisions

This stout is the beginning of shitshow, the preamble to a plastered filibuster, and prologue to a book written about 4am food you dont remember. The smoothest, most dangerous 8.5% abv you have ever encountered.

This is a stout ninja, swift as a river current. It will destroy you not unlike that movie Deliverance.

Class V Stout, Kern River Brew Co, 8.5% Imperial Stout

A: This is a beautiful stout. The pour looks almost identical to Coca-cola if it were served on nitro. It was fantastic tiny bubbles that conjoin into a huge thick impermeable head that just sets up blocks upon blocks of spider web strip malls of lacing, it is the Encino of municipal lacing. The color is deep and shiny cola, bit by bit light shines through to evidence a warm moderately thin mahogany body.

This beer is dangerous and makes me feel like I am a child again. You tell Kern River, Class V is not for kids.

S: There’s some coffee, a bit of turbinado sweetness, and the cola caramel that I noted earlier. The chocolate notes are faint and intertwined with a mild hop profile at the finish. It will sock you.

T: This is an incredibly light imperial stout and the flavor profile matches it accordingly. It begins with a mocha sweetness, imparts a watery tone in the middle and the swift closer is the coffee and mild hop finish. It is a three chamber legislation and flavor bills are passed immediately to the stomach congress for approval.

It feels like a throwback, but not in an ironic way, like a comforting pop punk blanket that lulls you to sleep gently.

M: This is a thin imperial stout, but it wouldn’t exactly be fair to call this a watery stout. The middle body is lacking in coating, and the mouthfeel has very low chewiness, but perhaps the calling to the Class V rapids, the swift swashy tides of the Kern River are supposed to be imagined? I can’t say but for a nimble swift stout, it works incredibly well. It presents its alcohol in such a precise masked way that the thin body only makes the ABV Trojan horse all the more deceiving.

D: This is one of the most drinkable stouts I have ever had. This is particularly in part with the rapidity that it lays the flavors out, packs them up and postures you for the next drink. It is a very swift transition of chocolatey warped tour sets. For those who appreciate the drawn out arena rock, this may be a bit too light of fare for your tastes. It takes the elements from Founders Breakfast stout and reduces the silkiness of the oat bill and trades it in for watery spurs to make it FASTER to drink, but not necessarily BETTER, if that makes sense.

It's a little disturbing how wasted this beer gets you with such a gentle finesse. I dont question it. However, the $5.49 price tag just makes this ridiculous.

Narrative: This was the worst work retreat that Jim Dimiri had ever been on. Initially it seemed par for the course, nice relaxing weekend with some spurious workshops to pad the tax writeoffs, but then, the real activity was announced. “Yes sirree, we see some serious flows with all the Cascadian runoff this time of year, particularly with the coffee and cocoa farmers strip farming the upper elevation, well, it’s a gusher.” His life vest was caked with thick viscous foamy water. The grains from the upper elevation coffee farms whizzed by and was dashed on the rocks. “RIVER RAFTING IS NOT A TEAM BUILDING EXERCISE! DAMNIT!” Jim cried to Terri, the file clerk who was gripping the starboard side of the raft, coughing up chocolatey river water. “OH SHI-” the raft capsized on some deep woody debris and he was sent headlong into the khaki colored water, refreshing but dangerous. In a moment, it was all over. Jim crawled to the bank of the river and looked back on the foaming rapids that he had just confronted. Human Resources would receive a strongly worded letter on Monday.

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