Iron Fist Velvet Glove, I knew a guy with a tongue in a velvet sack, it was a Crown Royal bag. Headline unrelated.

Some people overlook this beer because it’s a strange style (imperial oatmeal stout?) or maybe they are the 99% who can’t afford $11.99 for chocolate coachella in their domepiece. I dont know. That shit cray.

Take an amazing Imperial Oatmeal Stout, now serve it on nitro fresh from the tanks. Serves 1 jelly. You. you jelly.

Iron First Brewing – Velvet Glove 9% stout

A: Murky black with some dark brown notes on the pour, nice 1 inch head with a murky brown foam and tiny bubbles, very little lacing, great coating on the glass. It’s like a Sir Mix a Lot video sponsored by Exxon Valdez.

I wish I could compel people to stop and try this. The stopping power of this beer is not insubstantial. The head brewer is also a super nice guy, if that rattles your customer service cage.

S: Tons of coffee on the nose, I was expecting more chocolate but the coffee dryness is welcome. Actually, it makes sense once you taste it, the rope circle is sprung, you think you’re in for a pedestrian outing and then oh shit it’s a 3 a.m. sort of night. Where are my shoes-

T: The coffee subsides from the nose and the chocolate shines through in a huge way, much like chocolate rain without the heat and big body. Great sweet taste with chewy maltiness and sweet finish that’s supported by a mild hoppy profile. It’s tough to overstate or make jokes about something with such great balance and amazing drinkability. I bet if this was in 12oz servings…it would cost more, fuck that, I must quote my friend D. Garcia “it’s call you man up and you take that bottle to the danger zone.” Take that shit to the danger zone.

"Take your exploding knees to the Danger Zone" - D. Garcia

M: The tiny bubbles deliver an piquant effervescence that carries the chocolate malt delicately. The coating is awesome, not in a thick oppressive way, It carries a huge beer character with the accessibility of a thin middle body to it. I am not sure how they did it but it straddles two worlds without feeling one note.

D: Usually with imperial stouts this is where I make obvious statements about how big the beer is and after one it’s an unwelcome Saturday morning houseguest, but, I simply cannot in this instance. The drink ability is fantastic due to the chocolate profile, tiny bubbles, and fantastic mouthfeel. This ascends to the “wish it was packed in 12oz bottles” category. This would be a great introductory imperial stout to transcend people beyond their Guiness fancies into the world of obfuscating darkness.

At first you feel like you are getting ripped off, then you realize HOW MUCH YOU ARE GETTING.

Narrative: Being an accountant for brigand gypsies didn’t seem like an altogether waste of Jeff Deyoung’s time, it just felt a little misplaced. Well first there was the problem with appraising the value of stolen VCR’s and then amortizing them over a S corp structure. Then he had to figure out a way to write off all Robitussin and knife hits that his company of rogues was imbibing at a breakneck pace. All in all, Jeff was a black hearted scoundrel with the rest, but with a cunning ability to ease his way below the subterfuge. Sure, he might be figuring out ways to liquidate bootleg DVDs, but his coal black hair and khaki suit gave you the air that inspire confidence in his less than scrupulous dealings. If you invited him over for dinner, he would tell your family that he arranged government contracts and owned several mobile unilateral pawn shops. A tongue in a velvet sack, that old Jeff. You can’t quite trust him, but at the same time you feel at ease, until your iPad is gone. Now you need to buy a new iPad.