You’re used to whales but I hope you guys are ready to clean rice hulls out of your Kirkland jeans because today we have the EIGHTH highest rated Happoshu IN THE WORLD.

You’re probably wondering “Why would DDB go to the trouble of seeking out an obscure style and importing this adjunct lager all the way from Japan?” I am all about covering these sorghum and sugar ratios k.

So what even is a Happoshu? This is a reduced malt beverage that breweries make to skirt tax regulations. Weirdly, frozen alcoholic drinks could also be Happoshus. Basically, in Japan if you have 67% malt or higher, that’s a real beer and you pay more.

In a weird twist, this beer is characterized as a “beer flavored beverage” which is less than we can say for some American craft cake beverages. Toasted rice flakes usually make up that last third of the malt bill.

This green label Kirin is the low carb like Rolling Rock Green Light of Japan, except it still has 4.5% alcohol so you can drill these like water. This is Michelob Ultra from the land of the rising sun and you can crush these harder than Super Shredder under a dock/in a garbage truck. This one is made from like 70% simple sugars so imagine how clean this ferments. It feels like a rumor of La Croix sweetcorn flavor, fleeting and barely existent.

The nose is tortilla chip, some Tostitos Rounds, light salinity and hotel pool. The taste is ethereal and imparts like the Polar Seltzer idea of Bud Light. The tv static version of Stella with extremely mild skunky and lemon chapstick swallow.

It’s like if you drew a bottle of Pine Sol from memory with a grey crayon. Nothing is permanent and the massive crackles subside and disappear like tuxedo mask, your palate a forever-wanting Sailor Malt. The aftertaste needs to be measured with an F1 clock.

Normal people will love this beer because it avoids a beer experience. It demands nothing and just works endlessly like the batteries in your tv remote for some reason.

This beer and style gets a bad rap. It won’t shatter your idea of Japanese beer, but with enough sheer volume, you too, will be singing Evanescence with a maid hostess in a cat café