We laughed about Heaven Hill waxing the 12 year Evan Williams and charging $130 at the gift shop. Then we cried about how they released a $200 9 year Bardstown disappointment at the gift shop. But what about when you go on the special TOUR of the distillery and buy a $200, 14 year bourbon, at the Heaven Hill gift shop?

YOU. DO. BOURBON.

So this is a distillery-only release and, like spicy New Jersey beer laws, you gotta do an entire tour to get it. Select Stock is the clandestine line from Heaven Hill where they release items that are basically Shasta Parker’s Heritage. Marshmallow Matey Elijah Craig.

This one is aged 14 years and only 26 barrels with TAPERED STAVES were used, so we already have circumstances hemming those cornhusk jeans in tightly. Add the fact that this is aged in WAREHOUSE Y BRUH ITS PARKER BEAMS FAVORITE SPOT. Parker would go there and update his Myspace while this was aging, I heard in 2009 Parker had H1n1 and rested in warehouse Y, it’s the honeyhole, Obama-surviving rickhouse.

At the You Do Bourbon experience “you can taste, bottle and personalize your very own bottle to take home” so you get to pay to become a distillery intern and package your own juice. You get some ECBP, Larceny BP, Bernheim and after you’re elote-buttered, they ask you if you want to bottle your own $200 barrel proof offering from the barrel.

It comes with a janky lil metal screw top that guarantees it will leak if shipped, which will make “collectors” furious so I automatically love that.

“Why not just buy Elijah Craig Barrel Proof”

Like “squirting is mostly pee” I am so tired of hearing this nonstop you buzzkill. This markedly better, than ECBP not squirting. Look at that “wandering the desert, recycled urine” deep amber color to it. It is drier than ECBP but not excessively tannic, cuties peel, Darjeeling tea, and pecans on the nose. Taste is spearmint, candied walnut, and ethanol gingerbread hitting your lungs like Kentucky corn dabs.

It’s exceptionally good and worth sitting through a tour. You’re gonna be smelling like Armagnac graham crackers yelling at the Herbalife presentation “HOW DO I BECOME DIAMONG WORLD TEAM LEVEL” with nipples harder than Lion King for the SNES.