Newground sent me this hard Dutch chai tea cardamom nitro latte. I sat looking at this for a few weeks trying to figure out when this is for? Before a hike when you want to get 5% drunk? After church services where they are reading the Book of Ruth? When do I want the refreshing lavender cardamom punch of dryer sheets but also the crackle of Lake Havasu seltzers?

It pours with a Yoo-hoo meets Muscle Milk body, the black tea has this dryness like steeped Earl grey lines of adderrall crushed on the back of a Chainsmokers cd case. There’s a lot going on and I wish I had more of these for when pandemic is over so I can stonefaced pour this for a friend and solemnly tell them “I’m super into craft beer, this is what we are into now.” And imagine how many people they talk about me to. Fine, it isn’t beer but it’s strangely good. It’s got that amount of alcohol where your ex is picking your kids up and he’s brought Taylinn a girl he met doing motocross. Just a little drunk.

Sipping some sun tea and being like “what if this had half and half and body lotion added?” Again, but in this whimsical fun way where you have this as your first drink and wonder what manner of mischief the night holds.

Your friends leaning in asking “you got any more of that gravy tea?” And you give them a knowing wink and loudly crack the nitro can and you already know you’re not getting that security deposit back and honestly being a landlord isn’t a real job, sure use the sled on the stairs. Hard chai lattes are a hell of a drug, bro she has a middle part and wears cropped jeans and doesn’t know who Tool is. Yeah I met her at Dutch Bros and started showing her my NON FUNGIBLE TOKEN COLLECTION-