Self-Declared Ethical Theorists, Armchair Economists Emerge as Ballast Point is acquired for $1b

Associated fermentation news

With the recent announcement that Ballast Point Brewing would be acquired for one billion dollars, several craft beer enthusiasts have concurrently awarded themselves both MBA and PhD degrees in response. “Well, the whole thing reduces down to capitalistic ‘intentionality’, as it were,” noted local air conditioning repairman, Thomas Watkins. “As someone who purchases IPAs at the local Walgreens, I am qualified to not only comment on the business acumen of a multi-million dollar company, but also the moral underpinnings of these decisions,” Watkins quipped while taking apart a freon compressor.

Watkins is not alone, as a bevy of craft beer enthusiasts have recently launched into unsolicited Fireside Chats concerning the recent sale of Ballast Point. “In my GED program they covered ‘market saturation’,” stated local Quizno’s sandwich artisan, Molly Jaspers, “with the sale of Ballast Point I am confident that somehow applies, so I will be using that term a lot. Also ‘Marxist laborer disassociation from production.’ All those things. I am gonna be saying a lot of things in the near future.”


Don’t even get him started on that Keynesian shit in relation to imperial porters.

It has been suggested that consumers would now simply be able to enjoy a Sculpin at locations which previously would have been vending Stella or other steel rain barrel libations. “It is not about the sale itself, it is the oeuvre of the craft beer zeitgeist, a v2 rocket of will now mirrors representation,” Jaspers concluded, “but they better not try to soak me for $16.99 for a god-damn sixer of Fathom, that’s just ethically reprehensible.”

At press time local Chicago beer traders were busily awarding themselves Master’s Degrees in sentential logic in preparation of the forthcoming Bourbon County release.

2 thoughts on “Self-Declared Ethical Theorists, Armchair Economists Emerge as Ballast Point is acquired for $1b

  1. Fucking sellouts. I knew it all along. It all started with the replacement of their c.e.o. and founder with an unknown. Thats when they jumped the shark imho.

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