Muling Shitlords Demand Union Benefits from Local Breweries

In what is being called the premiere organized labor movement of the beer world in 2015, profiteering muling groups have now demanded union rights and benefits from the local breweries they patronize.  “We are organized, and we aren’t going anywhere, we want medical benefits and the guarantee to buy several allocations of limited bottles, we refuse to be bullied any longer,” local foreman, Chase Bellicose noted proudly,  “It is 2015 and we refuse to be beholden to 1 per person limits any more, if we can’t get cases upon cases of these sub-1000 count releases, our muling groups starve.  That’s just immoral.”

No longer will local muling groups be forced to starve due to bottle limits.

No longer will local muling groups be forced to starve due to bottle limits.

With increasing frequency, muling shitlords have assembled their diabetic laborers into Facebook groups to demand the rights to which they feel entitled.  “This isn’t the gilded age, I dont work hard 28 hours a week at Office Depot just to walk away with two Hill Farmstead bottles, this is America, they need to realize what we deserve,”  Daniel Jaunders stated firmly, a look of Dickensian filth upon his cargo shorts, laser printer ink smeared across his pockmarked mutton chops. “We toil under their regime, these brewery capitalists just watch on high while I neglect my family and job to stand in a single-file line for hours.  Because I stood there, I deserve far more. I want triple allocations, also access to health care to provide my fiance with nuva rings,” Jaunders stated while playing Clash of Clans, standing pre-emptively in a line for a Tired Hands release he suspects is forthcoming,  “Other people look at me and just see an obese man-child standing in an industrial park waiting for sugar water, sure, it’s partly that, but they don’t see 22 other hungry mouths from all over the country: MY FACEBOOK GROUP. If my muling group goes thirsty is it not right to steal a loaf of breadwater?”

While not standing in lengthy lines, local mules enjoy a variety of equally trivial hobbies

While not standing in lengthy lines, local mules enjoy a variety of equally-excessive hobbies

Magic Hat Brewing head brewer, John Stavinski, has watched this situation bubble over for the past few years and sagely noted, “being the worst brewery in Vermont, we thankfully haven’t had to deal with anyone lining up for anything we make, but Godspeed to our contemporaries, it truly is the proletariat reckoning that has been forthcoming for so long.”

Fueling the controversy are groups of covetous, shameless adults who seek to breach the restrictive allocation requirements and share all bottles in common, specifically with one another in limited groups at the expense of the general public.  “We are just about what’s right” local resident, Chad Merkins stated as he loaded cases upon cases of Goose Island Nuthulu into his Mitsubishi Mirage, “we understand there are limited bottles but, these locals need to realize just because they come here daily and drink their peasant pale ales, that doesn’t mean they should get the limited bottles.  The entitlement of locals these days, I swear you wouldn’t believe it.”  Merkins’ pregnant girlfriend and migrant laborer colleague seemed to express similar dismay at standing in a line on a Tuesday morning.  “Yo no creo porque estoy aqui, hay muchos gordos, esta muy triste,” Guillermo Esquivel noted sagely while standing in line in what appeared utter confusion.

local girlfriends look forward to spending time standing in lines evaluating their respective relationships

local girlfriends look forward to spending time standing in lines evaluating their tenuous relationships

Despite the clear opposition from the needlessly oppressive Brewer Regime, these revolutionary upstarts are determined to seize the means of post-production from their restrictive overlords.  One such beverage magnate, head brewer of Side Project brewing, Cory King, noted “we really just try to spread out the releases in a fair way.  We realize that it is limited and we try to act in a manner that is equitable for all our consumers.  These people aren’t employees, I am not even sure why they keep demanding health benefits, Cialis, Rogaine, access to elective cosmetic surgery, all kinds of outlandish requests.  We are trying our best to keep everyone happy.”  The capitalistic tone was evident throughout the interview that most brewers don’t even feel that they owe these strangers PPO insurance.

local attendees express dismay at the 4 per person limits on the most recent adjunct stout bottling

local attendees express dismay at the 4 per person limits on the most recent adjunct stout bottling

“We will overcome this tyranny,” Merkins stated defiantly, “by organizing on private Facebook groups, no one can stop us.  We will organize pricing on secondary sites and make sure no one is getting shortchanged by the prices that we set.  Only then will the beer industry be free from these laissez-faire pigs. Our anonymous grumblings and passive-aggressive complaints will be felt throughout Twitter and Yelp reviews.  If they think we are going to lay down and accept 2 per person limits, they have another thing coming.”  At press time Merkins was busy pre-drafting complaints about a wristband system a brewery intended utilizing.

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