What do we have from these Wisconsin scamps up in their frozen tundra north of the wall? A fucking blonde ale? I will say this outright, New Glarus is the Frank Thomas of the beer game, if they whiff it is a solid strike out, but when they get a piece of it, that shit is out of the park. There is no middle ground with these guys. Let’s see if this blonde is natural or out of the box in today’s review.
New Glarus Brewing, Blonde Ale/Pilsner(?) 4.8%
Here’s their pitch:
“Expect to pour an elegant blonde glass of beer, crowned with a rich head of foam that resonates with our chorus of hops. Although delicate in appearance, our Hometown Blonde has a backbone, but of course that’s no surprise in Wisconsin. Enjoy!”
Well go ahead and expect whatever the fuck you would like, but reality will set in shortly and you will realize you are drinking a glass of Bud Dry with a flabbier malt grist. It has this tarnished brass bedpost like the one nana used to handcuff you to, some ho hum carbonation and a forgettable affair altogether.
The smell? Well if you have ever worked in a cream corn factory you will appreciate these kernel nuances of sweet yard trimmings from the local dog park, those ULTRA AGGRO Saaz hops what with their 4% alpha acids, a sweetness like crescent rolls dropped on the floor, and a cloying bready sweetness of old baguette.
Surely the taste rolls out something more substantial? It’s kinda like dropping 150 roses on a craigslist casual encounter and it looks exactly like the picture: depressing. If you like sweeeeet pilsners and miss the old days of Budweiser select, you will like this buttery biscuit paired excellently with a KFC double down. It doesn’t deliver on the cleanliness of a pilsner and the sacharrine from the bready notes keeps the hops from accomplishing anything. The closer is like it was randalled through a Coinstar machine with a faintly metallic alkaline that makes my tastebuds and testicles recoil like a frightened turtle.
New Glarus does so many things so well, perhaps the 3 months of sunlight that Wisconsin enjoys makes this beer ill suited for the refreshing sessionable side of things. Maybe I don’t know shit about Frank Thomas.