Writing about beer is hard. It is particularly hard if you run a health magazine and don’t happen to know shit about high calorie libations and instead are pushing Rolling Rock Green Light on your dipshit readerbase. BUT MEN’S HEALTH HAS THE CREDIBILITY TO TELL YOU THE BEST SUGAR WATER THAT YOU SHOULD BE DRINKING.
When I am drinking a 450 calorie barrel aged barleywine, I usually think to myself, “I bet my cardio barre instructor probably knows a shit ton about high end beer, I should ask her. But how will I tuck my dick deeper into my perineum?” MEN’S HEALTH HAS US FUCKING COVERED THOUGH:
Why 50 beers? Because our annoying XML loaded jizzcovered site decided that any less than 5 actual one sentence reviews wouldn’t be substantial enough. In between learning about “THE 9 SEX POSITIONS THAT GET HER OFF EVERY TIME” [ http://www.mensfitness.com/women/sex-tips/9-sex-positions-thatll-get-her-off-every-time?page=2 } you can also learn about beer
Smash a ton of ales and porters together? Why the fuck not.
Ryes and pumpkin beers ranked together? Sounds like the same thing to me, if I were a Zumba fitness asshole who enjoys salads at the Yardhouse.
“I just had an Arrogant Bastard, the finest example of a Pale Ale I have ever had” – quoted resident beer expert/soccer dad/Damages viewer, just before he stepped into his trampoline cardio class
What is the #1 IPA you ask? Why it is a fucking DIPA of course.
Dont worry though, they have their stout game on lock:
BEST BARREL AGED STOUTS:
HOG HEAVEN: a non-barrel aged barleywine that is so good that it shatters the entire category and jumps into the barrel aged stout category if you are a recent divorcee who bores co-workers with a new hobby he knows dick about. Hardcore editorial research going on at Men’s Health in between teaching us how to consume less than 33g of carbs a day, they apparently have a resident expert in mantits. BUT HOW WILL I GET THAT VICIOUS V COCKLINE? Who will tell me how to spend all my shitty ill-gotten gains from my finance career?
Don’t worry about Parabola, seek out REAL AMAZING STOUTS like the universal fucking punchline: Black OPs. Do you enjoy ashtray water and dry champagne yeast infections? Men’s Health has your back. Hey while you are busy not seeking out Fremont Kentucky Dark Star, might as well drink Retribution, easy way to save calories by drainpouring the entire fucking beer. Maybe that was the true intent of this article, direct legit consumers to things they will totally hate, FOR MAXIMUM PUMP SWOLENESS.
If you thought Dead Guy couldn’t get any better when you last had it in 2004, imagine if it spent A WHOLE TWO MONTHS IN A WHISKEY BARREL: That’s right, when you barrel age a Maibock, it turns into a barrel aged stout if you are a complete dipshit. Hard hitting editorials from the desk of Michelob Ultra purveyors themselves.
Flawless victory, now if only someone would tell me what Rag and Bone messenger bag and Diesel jeans to enjoy my beer with I would be all set- OH MEN’S HEALTH HAS ME FUCKING COVERED PSHEW.