I have always had a soft spot in my heart for Lagunitas. They are like the gateway drug dealer that hooks up 7th graders and people with ignorant ass palates and gets them into a seedy underworld of hard shit. I remember my first Hairy Eyeball, or trying Maximus and feeling like I could take on six cops wearing a wife beater. Shit is exhillarating. The only annoying thing about Lagunitas and their excellent, widely distributed, inexpensive beer, is the wake of poor assholes and haters that is leaves in its wake. You can’t pop a bottle of Citra or some Double Sunshine without some asshole reminding you WELL LAGUNITAS IS ALMOST AS GOOD AND I WILL JUST DRINK THAT LOL I CAN JUST BUY THAT AT THE STOER. That’s nice, when I am doing sick burnouts in my Lambo, I don’t need someone in a Yaris telling me about gas mileage and how you dont even need to be able to go 210 mph. No one is getting dome because of Lagunitas, and if I had a blog full of excellent offshelf shit, I would be just like the 3409863509865 shitty you tube channels out there. Weak pandering to breweries is well covered, people come here to watch it all burn.
Lagunitas Brewing Company
California, United States
American Double / Imperial IPA | 7.85% ABV
A: This is a damn pretty DIPA, it looks clear and gentle enough to fool some into thinking it is just a beefy single IPA, but I digress. This doesn’t take a deep brassiness, nor does it embrace a turbid complexity, it is just as the BJCP gods intended, dead on deep yellowing with medium carbonation and legitimate lacing. I don’t know what else to say really, Actraiser was a pretty bad ass game, but it was no Chrono Trigger.
S: This is again, just awesome in execution and it almost pisses me off at how innoculous it dives into the fold. This isn’t exactly a citrus bomb, nor is it deep and resinous, it finishes with a bit of both and closes with a honey aspect that is fantastic but almost loses its individuality in the process. You know how Hyundai always rolls out these slightly jankier looking versions of Benzes and Beamers? This is kinda like that, you know it isn’t as rare or crazy, but it is probably nice inside and way cheaper. So who wins? I don’t know, No Fear tells me that the man with the most toys still dies.
T: This lacks a huge tropical citrus forward assault that I love, but still kinda sidesaddles the west coast and east coast IPA where it has a substantial maltiness but also a mid range alpha acid hop bill with lots of C hops, Chinook, Cascade, Cunt. There is a slight honey finish to it and a resin quality that reminds me of Bell’s Two Hearted meets Sculpin. Again, jack of all trades, kinda master of one, namely being a shapeshifter i nthe DIPA world. This is the Mystique to the Colossuseses tearing shit up in the DIPA world. Under the radar, consistent and deadly.
M: This is sticky at the end and sweet at the outset, with a bunch of lupulins in the middle. It is like a sick half pipe of hoppy goodness, doing sick grabs and gumline grinds. There is a finish to it that is kinda like fernet brancha. I have a hard time either knocking or praising this beer because it sticks so close to the numbers, splits on 16, hedges safe bets, no risks, doesn’t bang chicks without rubbers.
D: This is exceptionally drinkable and god damn it if that abv isn’t hidden in a guillie suit just sniping sorority girls and n00b ass beer drinkers alike. The 6 paack format is a great offering and the bombers end up being like what, $2.75 a piece when all things are considered. This is unquestionably a great beer. This is no Heady Topper, this is not Citra, nor is this Abner. This is not in the same realm, economically and taste inclusive. No one buys a WRX and expects to rev on GT-Rs, but this is still a blast and fun to carve up your liver with. I highly recommend this if you see it. Also, it is better than that overrated ass COAST Boy King. So there is also that.
Narrative: Every night the players graced the floorboards gracefully and the shows went on flawlessly. The unseen element was Jarvis Deletrix, present eevery night, filling every role with extreme discretion. He would run the lights one evening, be in costuming the next, some nights even subbing in as a lead character in a Noel Coward play: THE MAN DID IT ALL. Jarvis was unquestionably talented, lurking in the shadows, ensuring that production quality was top notch. However, no one would ever lavish roses at his feet. Old Mr. Deletrix was far too approachable, hardly becoming of a star. His humble nature, good humor, and genial expressions made him loved by all, revered by few. It was not uncommon for him to roll up into a bar after a play and start making out with a girl with retainers, because she needed it most. He was that type of philanthropist that no one would celebrate, but life would be scarcely worth living to the teeming masses without his interference.
2 thoughts on “Lagunitas Sucks IPA: Making Poor People Feel Relevant In The Beer World Every Day”
ATTACK ATTACK ARE THE BEST BAND EVER HOW DARE YOU CALL THEM SHITTY ME AND CALEB ARE GOING TO GET MARRIED ONE DAY
UNLIKE YOU, LOSER
Pingback: The Beer Hole » Craft vs. Crafty is Stupid. Schell’s Goosetown Gose is Rad