No One Gives a Shit About Your Top 10 Beers of 2012

There are too many fucking beer sites on the interspace. I am surprised people still come to this perineum of the beer world on a daily basis. That being said, it is that time of the year that mediocre ass beer sites roll out their top 10 lists. Each one always has this janky ass caveat at the outset “HEY GUIZE THIS IS ONLY BASED ON BEERS THAT I TRIED AND MY OWN TASTE SO YOU CANT SAY ANYTHING ABOUT IT OK” First and foremost, if you are running a beer site and the only effort that you put into that shit is reviewing widely distributed beers that anyone can buy: no one needs you.

11 minute Youtube video about Wookie Jack?

11 minute Youtube video about Wookie Jack?

Seriously. I would never make TACOBELLADVOCATE.COM because if people want diarrhea firsthand, they can just go buy that bitch and leave my shitty impressions out of it. It makes it an even bigger kick in the nuts when someone is going to waste my time with an 8 minute video of Sierra Nevada Narwhal. OH NO SHIT YOU REVIEWED IT? HOLD UP LET ME FIND SOME FUCKS TO GIVE REAL QUICK. I could drink a SN Narwhal myself in less time than it takes to watch your horrible review, so what are you contributing to the beer world? At least put it in the microwave or something.

Furthermore, if your top 10 beers of 2012 has Sam Adams Cherry Wheat in it, maybe you had a shitty year in beer and need to sit this one out. I am not saying you have to slay massive wales and obscure 90’s lambics, but at least contribute something that people want to read or watch. It reminds me of when you are 17 and everyone has a shitty band and they are constantly trying to pimp their friends to go watch the same derivative 6 song setlist at every show. My personal favorite about most of the top 10 lists is that they pander to breweries with this alms cup, faces smeared with coal like breweries really give a fuck what their 200 twitter followers thought about the beer that was released to 26 states. I can say that Charleville Box of Chocolate tasted like a bag of diabetic scrotums because I know that they will not read this site, and if they did, they could give a fuck less about my opinion.

BUY OFFSEHFL BERS AND GET BITCHES

BUY OFFSEHFL BERS AND GET BITCHES

If I made a list of top 10 books that I have read, you might be interested at first, but if I told you that I only read R.L. Stine and Dan Brown books, you would be like “the fuck? I can just go dust off Say Cheese and Die, I dont need this asshole.” Retreating behind “BUT THIS IS MY PERSONAL TASTES” is not some cloak of invincibility, if you are running a beer review site/channel and not trying to review interesting/ecclectic offerings then what is the fucking point? Sure, maybe someone in another state might want to hear your thoughts about Brown Shugga if they don’t get Lagunitas distribution, but that’s hardly ever the case. These people should run their beer sites as though each review is a postcard from a place their readers will never go that reads “WISH YOU WERE HERE! JK ur a bitch.” That way when they tell people how good the beer is they can try and wrap their heads around how it compares to their shitty Longhammer IPA, or whatever it is that normal people drink. If you don’t want to spend a whole $15 on a fedex box, at least hit a local brewery, let people know about things that way. I am pretty sure no one needs to sit through another 8 minute video shot on an iphone tell them what Stone 16th Anniversary tastes like.

“WAIT YOUR SITE IS SHITTY COMMUNITY COLLEGE CREATIVE WRITING MIXED WITH STOLEN SHIT FROM THE INTERNET” Truer words have never been spoken. But at least I can tell you the difference between Bourbon Dark Lord and Rare DOS, how Fantome Ete contrasts with Extra Sour, and how the 2010 preban 4Loko stacks up against the 2012 blend. AT LEAST I AM FUCKING TRYING.

Love your beer reviewing neighbors, send them beers people actually care reading about.

Love your beer reviewing neighbors, send them beers people actually care reading about.

No one asks Latter Day Saints for their crazy sex stories, no one wants to hear some simple ass palate rattle on about the best beers of 2012. Your 2012 was adjunct lager, your 2013 will be malt liquor.

TOP 5 Beers of 2012, THINK ABOUT IT:

1. Dylan porter
2. Dylan pale
3. Dylan dortmunder
4. Dylan kvass
5. Dylan saison

Advertisements

5 thoughts on “No One Gives a Shit About Your Top 10 Beers of 2012

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s