Have we hit rock bottom yet? Are you feeling neglected? Man, looking back on those days when we were drinking Duck Duck Gooze seems pretty good right now, right? Well get off your high horse because I am going to smash your stones in today’s Rolling Rock Rick Rocking Review

Rolling Rock American Adjunct Lager 4.6% abv

A: The appearance looks like a very pale honey with thin light straw clarity. If you pour it incredibly hard you get to witness a few fleeting seconds of wispy carbonation, which is no doubt a hindrance when you wanna be slamming this beer all hard. The appearances isn’t enough to roll my rocks, maybe a light polish.

S: There’s some zest with a bit of bread, obviously corn notes throughout. However, in its defense I must say that this is a pretty standard example of this, almost inherently flawed, genre. Sure Reality Czech is better, and Humulus Lager makes it look bland by comparison, but what about those days in the security lock up because she just couldn’t keep her mouth shut and how the hell are you supposed to know when unemployment runs out anyway?

T: That taste is similar to, of course, corn, cooked sweet potato, mild lemon zest, lemon bread(?) and mild bread notes. Even since the transfer of ownership in 2006, it has a slightly different cinnamon finish, nothing to rock you off of your rocker. My rocker remains fully in tact, as does my home, which I own. Most Rolling Rock drinkers cannot say the same. I guess this is a “fancy” beer at < $1.00 per bottle, which if you served this as your UFC soiree your Peruvian friends would polish their monocles on their AFFLICTION tees.

M: This has a ghostly non-existent mouthfeel. It haunts for a moment and finishes in a watery refreshing swallow. I have a hard time knocking this beer for its various faults when it delivers on its critical fronts. Sure, every Pennywise album sounds the same, but if you crave the latent similarity and that predictable notes, it delivers amiably. The same applies with this old workhorse. This might be my favorite aspect of this beer, the base predictability and almost unerring inability to get you too drunk.

D: This is the. Most. Drinkable. Beer. Ever. I know I will upset scores with this rating but this has been a mainstay and always will be. Every other aspect is incredibly flawed but I cannot downgrade the drink ability of this beer and I challenge highbrow aficionados to deny its muted, watery, refreshing character. Sure it comes are the cost of appearance, smell, and taste; but if you want a lopsided ass experience, this wacky amputee will provide you with hours of fun.

Narrative: Just another day at the Latrobe Waterpark, day in day out. Same water rushing through the same pipes, same heat, same dingy finish, yet, each summer the staff felt fulfilled. Sure, it was a cheap gig, no one felt exceptionally proud as a Wild Aqua waterpark attendant, but it paid for just enough Steel Reserve in the evenings to make the oppressive days worthwhile. Sure you get the occasional obese pre-teen exhibiting his rebellious nature coming down backwards. It was a mild hell, with mild rewards, but long term sustainability. Maybe a girl gets felt up in some dank bushes, ah to be 15 again and reeking of Polo Sport and dirty water. Sure you get 100 patrons in a day urinating in the fetid pools, adolescents having tawdry affairs in the bushes, and a thousand forgettable days, however, some days the employees would look left to right and realize how good they had it. “STOP NO RUNNING, ALSO STOP URINIATING WHILE RUNNING, THANK YOU FOR NOT RUNNING NOW STOP URINATING!” Just another solid Sunday in July.