I hate this beer. Well, that isn’t accurate, the beer is pretty decent and mildly refreshing. But the Chicago hype machine made me hate this canned asshole before I even tried it. Day in and day out on the trading forums I used to see insane trade requests for this beer and its IPA brother, Double Daisy Cutter. It is like, you know how Tool is an amazing band, but their fans are largely mouthbreathing gun enthusiasts? That’s how it is with this beer. I like the product itself, just not the annoying cadre that follows it around. Anyway, let’s do this shit.

Half Acre Beer Company
Illinois, United States
American Pale Ale (APA) | 5.20% ABV

A: very expansive carbonation that subsides quickly to a limited head. The carbonation is the tip of the iceberg for this frustrating beer, gutting all your schooners from the outset. I want a refreshing NASCAR beer, this is some gaseous burpy mess that takes longer than a Feminine Studies major to get its shit together. It is light yellow, pale urine gold with a nice transparency.

S: a cloying sweetness with notes of rice and sugary malt, the watery profile is noteworthy and smells crisp and light with a pronounce hop presence, but again, this isn’t something that you could pick out of a crowd from say another midwest WALE like Finch’s Cutthroat Pale Ale or 8-bit. They are all solid, refreshing beers, no you cannot trade them for a Cable Car, douchewaffle.

T: This is difficult to define because it is almost non-existent. You taste it and within a second it imparts a mild sweetness, a hint of biscuit and is gone. The water is the predominate flavor on the palate. Slight tartness for a fleeting moment is the most noteworthy aspect of the beer and it is gone as soon as it begins, welcoming another sip almost antagonistically. The flower is certainly present as well but it feels like a strange sidecar to the whole experience, it clips along like some unwelcome ass sidekick with vegetal notes slowing down my good times. I don’t need the bark and huge bouquet on the backend, just man up and become a full on IPA already. This beer has Zombie Dust identity problems, except Zombie Dust is amazing, this just feels like an awkward attempt to remove my bra.

M: The mouthfeel is amongst the lightest I have ever experienced, as soon as it initiates it shuts down like a computer with boot sector problems, there is no coating, no maltiness imparted on the palate. you could brush your teeth and then drink this with little reprocussions. A forgettable experience if not for the huge hoppy dryness at the conclusion.

D: This is exceptionally drinkable in the way that Entourage is a very watchable show. The elements that draw you in at first become predictible and off-putting shortly thereafter. Maybe living in California and having access to Row2 and Hoppy Birthday has made me a spoiled ass hopbaby, but I like my cones just so, and this just didnt caress them in a lovingly affectionate manner.

Narrative: Oh great, he’s going to continue on this subject “And the funny thing about arthoropoda is most people think phylum is defined by the phonemes in the” jesus, how long can one date last. Well at least this is memorable, not like my last date off of Jdate.com, the water salesman.
What was his name? John? James? Jerem- I can’t even recall. It was as though that trip to the generic predictable restaurant didn’t even happen. I think I had the ahi tuna, no, well there was that one moment when he…what was it? I was something mildly sweet and interesting, for a fleeting second. Oh he made a small crane out of the bill. Totally forgettable.

“-and so most gastropods stomachs aren’t technically their FOOT as the latin name would connote” Oh shit, he is still going, I dont know what is worse, a memorable date for the wrong reasons or a forgettable date for the right reasons. “Check please.”