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2006 Thomas Hardy’s Ale, Finally I Can Drink a Beer That Is Older Than My Clothes

Everyone always gets an alerection when they talk about how old their Thomas Hardy’s is. It’s like all of a sudden sucking down old old ales is hot shit and everyone else missed the boat. Big ups to my homie Anthony for this bottle so we can see what the aleworld was like back in the days of dial-up internet (for the midwest.) Fear no more, I am rocking a 2006 in today’s review, back when your boyfriend still had frosted tips and retainers, shit was popping off. Let’s see if this little bottle delivers or, like Better Than Ezra, leaves me desperately wanting.

Man, 2006, what a fun year, wait, I am looking at the Wikipedia for 2006 and I literally remember none of this shit happening. A Final Fantasy game must have come out that year or something.

O’Hanlon’s Brewing Co. Ltd.
United Kingdom (England)
Old Ale | 11.90% ABV

A: Oh man, you know when tame old England (sans Brewdog) comes out swinging with an 11.9% old ale, shit is about to get real. The beer is completely flat and looks like Dr. Pepper that was left out during your 6th grade sleepover party. No lacing, no legs, no stems no seeds no sticks. You swirl it around and things don’t get much jazzier. It just sits there limp, sad, and swears that this never happens.

Maybe I am not old enough to fully enjoy this beer but, it makes things pretty difficult the next morning.

S: Mmm, that’s a damn fine bouquet, especially for a 6 year old. Well, you know what I mean. It has vanilla, aggro caramel, nice subtle bourbon presence, oak, and toasted marshmellow. It kinds reminds me of a sticky kettle corn with more of a butterscotch presence. Nice wafterburners on this Maverick.

T: This almost goes from O.G. Ale to quad in the way to pulls you gently to stone fruits, plum, currant, and raisins. I am thankful for the relatively small bottle size as this guy is a bit of a turn off after a while. I enjoy the panoply of fruits and sticky gooey campfire treats presented but, it is a bit much after 5 ounces. Maybe I need to put up with month after punishing month of depressing weather to really “get” the selling points of this UK gem but the taste gets to that point of like “ok, ok, enough already” of sticky sweetness like the hostess at Chilis.

I hate to push this bit incessantly but, things are almost always best enjoyed fresh. Ba dum tish. wakka wakka.

M: The mouthfeel has zero carbonation and a light stickiness that just hangs around like an officious gym partner that, while cloying, has a gentle aspect to it that you don’t outright hate. I dont think this will really improve with age and that fresh TH that I tried wasn’t really much better. You ever revisit a game that was bad fucking ass when it came out and then realized that you used to be content with crude polygons? Well, this is a beer from the tail end of the Ps2 era, if you know what I am saying. Go pop in Devil May Cry, tell me if it is still palatable. I will wait.

D: This is not exceptionally drinkable due to the sheer alcoholic content and sticky morass of saccharine notes that jumble up the mix. It is worth trying and showing off your alecock for cellar bragging rights but most people into beer won’t give a fuck if you have a 1996 TH because, like Aaliyah, age ain’t nothin but a number.

It doesn’t matter how old you are, if you were a boring jerk back then, well-

Narrative: “Listen Trevin, I am your agent and, quite frankly, I am your friend. At this point I think it might be time to give it up, seriously, I can’t spin you in different ways for 12 consecutive years, you’re…you’re too fucking old, Trevin.” Theodore Olsmly had changed his name to conform to Hollywood conceptions of name values, he had dyed his hair, undyed it, taken improv classes, unlearning improve classes, holistic acting, deconstructive scenework classes, and even melody workshops taught by the Spin Doctors: nothing worked. Even those gentle poets of Two Princes told him at the crest of 2008 that maybe a solid decade of annoying the shit out of audiences and producers alike, might signal a perfect time to bow out. Trevin refused to do so. He slammed the door of his shanty Burbank studio apartment and tossed on the Reality Bites soundtrack and paced the 405 square foot layout and devised a plan to start auditioning for the estranged older brother turned uncle roles that the writers had heretofore so obliviously overlooked.

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Oud Beersel Oude Geuze, FOR REAL DOG, YOU ODE.

I can imagine everyone is all hung over from Halloween skankiness, so here’s an acrimonious acerbic review for you candy mongers.

Oud Beersel Geuze, 6% abv

A: pours with yellowish to copper color, mild clarity, two finger head with hardly any lacing. head is thin and white. Just look above lazy ass, I Ansel Adams’ed it all up for you. However, this feels a bit too classy, or like I am not quite ode enough to drink it.

Just seeing this makes me feel ode.

S: very tart and fruity smell, tannin almost white wine effects. Crisp granny smith apple, pears, and wet hay funk. Grand Hay Funk Railroad.

T: bittering effect with a very lambic white grape, some cidery apple notes on the finish, essentially a one two punch of sour then crisp apple
finish. Nice dryness that delivers on several tart levels.

It is almost as sweet as the classy people who make things like this, but more intoxicating.

M: it feels more carbonated, then the fast dissipation burns out, mouthfeel is light and almost of a highbrow spritzer countenance. you could serve this to a sorority girl in lieu of a champagne and feel your heart strain at the lost palate. Like a sassy gay friend, it does double duty for differing tastes.

D: this ultimately depends on if you like these beers, fun to show people for the “Wow this is beer factor,” for me, doesnt have much of a place beyond maybe Valentines Day or a holiday get together. not feminine enough to serve as a pink label product but not sophisticated enough to take the place of heavy hitters like Supplication and Temptation. I can still down it regularly though, and it has a nice price point and availability so. nom nom nom.

nom geuze

nomnom geuze...wait. you ode.

Narrative: What’s that you say?” as you cooly present this pale green bottle of Geuze. You gingerly pop the cork and lithely give it a spin on your rich mahogany table and this school nurse is fascinated by this tiny bottle of champagne you have produced. “No no, this isnt martinellis, this is a BEER” her offputting discountenance is almost lost until you redouble with “AN EXPENSIVE BEER” and your audience has been won. Instinctively you will utter the words SOUR, BELGIUM, and GUEZE, and you will notice the faint sight of her loss of interest, producing a grape smell.

“PLEASE, it just, I…I love beer and…I think I love you too” her ears perk up at the potential for some serious discussion. “I love the bubbly effervesence, the sweetness, the refreshing feeling I get” “YES?!” she anticipates “oh no, from this…this beer. you didnt? oh jeez, this is awkward. take another sip, maybe you just dont get it”

“I GET IT, you LOVE YOUR GEUZE, why dont you SUCK THIS GEUZE if you LOVE IT SO MUCH”

you will proceed to suck down all of your Geuze friends. and like it.