I got some complaints that I
was reviewing too many Porters (three.)
Therefore, HERE YOU GO MATT GIBBS, ANOTHER TOP 100 PORTER!
Funky Buddha, Maple Bacon Coffee Porter, 6.3% “Brown Carbonated Liquid”
A: This beer has medium carbonation with tiny bubbles the file upwards like disobedient 3rd graders, to and fro all sticky. It has a deep burnt mahogany shine and gives a lot of reflection off. It feels trashy, yet refined, like a Monte Carlo with candy paint and a dope Hawaiian Punch mural on it. You know it took a lot of Fudruckers checks to make it happen.
S: You cannot fault this beer for false advertising, the aromas are complex and intense, I have to pull it apart like strata. The first smell is a deep maple syrup sweetness like getting a sweet smooch from your aunt from Vermont, who happens to smoke black and milds. The smoke comes through but it’s more of a caramel smoke, not like bacon, but it is there and it smells inviting and fattening. The coffee notes are there, but it seems more like a weak stout coffee than that great acidic or sweet coffee I was hoping for. But I was also hoping for a 4th season of Arrested Development, one can dream.
T: The coffee hits front and center in both the sweet and bitter zones and the smoke follows haphazardly, buttoning his shirt running out the door. There is a huge interplay of the two flavors and ultimately I don’t know who to root for until, OH SHIT, maple comes up from behind with a trashcan and cleans up the ring with both of the two Jabronis. Bacon is nowhere to be found in this melee but I suppose that’s for the best, this is hectic enough. Trailer park deliciousness.
M: The mouthfeel is slick and thin and it’s impressive how much flavor is packed into such a simple base beer. The abv is almost non-existent and the drying from the coffee is offset but the maple sweetness. All in all, this beer is crazy and memorable, like a trip to the coffee plantation…and then finding out that it is also is a “bacon factory.”
D: This beer is crisp and light but carries an insane complexity. This isn’t meant for sessions and it has nothing to do with the ABV or the disapproving looks from your wife. It is just too complicated, no one watches a marathon of David Lynch movies, it just doesn’t work like that. You enjoy your decadent maple bacon madness in moderation, which I guess isn’t hard since this “brewery” makes these bottles in 50 bottle batches so, good luck getting hooked on this sticky ham juice.
Narrative: “Hey Edith, if you don’t mind, Claire has to bail her piece of shit husband out of jail so, you’re working a double.” It was funny how a question can turn into an insult and then into a statement in a single breath. “Come on Jesse!“ Edith clicked her Capri Slim on the rim of the ashtry and let the 2” ashes fall insouciantly. “Yeah, sure I guess, not like I have anything beyond this diner to look forward to.” She looked around the room of the makeshift break room and sighed, another 16 hours of slinging eggs, coffee and bacon to unappreciative truckers. Edith tied her apron on and swished the pork and tobacco taste around in her mouth while she prepared her notepa- “what in the?” Edith glanced over near the OSHA poster and saw, what appeared to be a manilla folder of rare vintage comic books. “Well, hey now, that’s what I call a tip!” One of them even had a certificate of authenticity. “OH MY GOD! THIS CANT BE REAL!” Edith scream and jumped up and down, her thick diabetic frame rattling her white coffee mug on the table. “Action Comics #1, the first appearance of Superman! That comic is valued at $250,000 in mint cond-” “SURPRISE!” yelled the TV crew and the dapper host upon entering abruptly. “Wait what?” “You’re on UPN’s HOTTEST NEW SHOW! ‘LET DOWNS FOR THE WORKING CLASS!’” Edith’s head was spinning, was this a real show? “Yeah, we let people who have basically nothing feeling amazing for a few fleeting seconds, AND THEN BRING ON THE LET DOWNS!” Edith’s hands dropped to her sides in disbelief. Jesse noted, “hey but seriously, get out there, you are still working a double, and, uh, leave the fake comic books for the other guys to read huh?”