Alright we have a lot of fun around here at DDB, mispronouncing words, pandering the same tired hip hop references, and leaning on JRPG references like a quad walker; but sometimes we actually science hard.

For context, a while back the brewer at Trinity proposed that he could make a gueuze in only 7 days. Levi Funk at Funk Factory Gueuezeria said [and I am paraphrasing here] “you are disrespecting the style and completely fucking things up for everyone this is why Americans cannot have nice things.”

Then I pandered out this piece of shit vedeo in response to the whole ordeal but undercutting both of those haters and making a goozie in 47 seconds:

SaisonMan/Lion/Manlion ultimately decided that, perhaps naming a beer a “gueuze” wasn’t in the spirit of three separate Pajotenland lambics master blended to taste. So now it is called 7 DAY SOUR. The comparison between a 7 DAY SOUR and Cantillon Gueuze loses some of the gravitas in the transition, but people keep fucking asking me to address this, so HERE WE GO USA VS. BELGIUM EXCEPT THIS TIME NOT IN A SPORT PEOPLE ONLY WATCH EVERY .4 DECADES.

THE LEVELS OF EMPIRICISM ARE OFF THE CHARTS IN BOTH METRIC AND ENGLISH MEASUREMENTS

TRINITY:

Trinity Brewing Company
Colorado, United States
Style | ABV
American Wild Ale | 5.00% ABV

Commercial Pitch:

“Sour beers are famous for long aging periods, wild microbes, and flavors that are more complex and intense than any other family of beer. Commonly referred to as Lambics, these beers were once only brewed in a specific region of Belgium and have recently made a migration to breweries of America. Imploring ancient techniques, Seven Day Sour is brewed with a first and second ‘slims’ process, and a malt bill built with over 30% raw wheat and 30% chit malt to dramatically drive up starches and proteins which our quirky wild microbes love to feed on. We sour this recipe with an advanced and progressive method utilizing a hot fermentation in the kettle with Lactobacillus, followed by a cool fermentation on brettanomyces; making this beer anything but simple. Seven Day Sour is a young and unblended gueuze showcasing a refreshing acidity and complex bretta notes.”

Brasserie Cantillon
Belgium
Style | ABV
Gueuze | 5.00% ABV

Commercial Pitch:

The world’s classic Gueuze. A blend of one, two, and three year-old lambics creates a second fermentation in the bottle. The champagne of Belgium. In contrast, the Lou Pepe Gueuze is a blend of three 2-year-old lambics.

Take careful note of the differences between the foregoing descriptions. This will be important later.

Enough spacedocking, let’s get this.

A: Well from the outset, the Cantillon has deeper amber hues, honey sap, and a deep golden color like toasted bread and frothy carb that leaves some lacing, but nothing over the top. The Trinity offering is also beautiful, admittedly. The golden straw color has intense carbonation that is soapy and almost hits those excessive levels. The appearance is more saison/grisette in appearance and seems to miss the depth of a standard goozie. In most cases, being TOO FUCKING RADIANT would not be a drawback, but it evidence that is lacks that massaged oxy realm that a traditional goysah exhibits. It looks too new, the plastic is still on the seats, no one has even been fingerbanged in the backseat yet.

WINNER: Trinity Goozie.

GOD commercial descriptions DONT BEGIN TO EXPLAIN ME ok I GO BEYOND ZOOSK, no one gets me

S: The Cantillon has a musky cheesiness in addition to the funk, brett, and lemony acidity. It doesn’t exhibit a lack of balance in any one area and pulls nuance for days letting the wet Jansport linger and dovetail with the tangerine and nectarine on the nose. The Trinity leans harder on a one dimensional lactic meets Brett L profile that in truth has more of a mineral/acidic aspect more in line with a Berliner/Gose than a goozie, but THEN AGAIN THEY DROPPED THE VERT GUEUEZE TERM SO MAYBE I NEED TO LEAVE THE ISSUE ALONE. But in reality this hits closer to the 7eventh Sun offerings or perhaps the simple citrus and acidity of normal Surette. To be clear, that’s a good thing in general, but in the realm of traditional Belgian blended lambics/goozies, it would be woefully inadequate. Some things cannot substitute the endless march of time. All things fall victim to the relentless march of sand.

WINNER: Cantillon Gueueuezie.

ARE YOU READY TO DO WHAT IT TAKES TO BECOME THE KING OF SOURS?

T: The taste of the Cantillon lacks the intensely sour aspects of its competitor but comes across as more drinkable in a single serving format, if that makes sense, with the slight bitterness like a semi-soft cheese rind and grapefruit pith. The Trinity VERT GOOZIE is still a pretty refreshing and tasty beer but comes across like a Lotus Elise, a stripped down device relying hard on acidity and…that’s about it. You want an aluminum tub that gets you from A to B and impresses the uninitiated? Well Lotus/Trinity will drop them Forever XXI thongs. The Cantillon comes across more like a FJ Cruiser, that everyone will appreciate on some level either due to utility, nuance, historical lineage, and depth of application. I know the Land Rover community is twisting their dicks hard at the last comparison but ZEROFUXX.

Taste: Cantillon Goyzee

Just because something is new and appealing doesn’t mean it wont rip you apart in the future. Gentle nurturing over time is key

M: The Cantillon has a drying aspect and a creaminess to the mouthfeel that is distinctively Belgian in execution. Taking with one historical hand and providing with a new crispness, waxing and waning of Empires past soiling the fields with the nitrates of the future. The Trinity is far less subtle and proceeds to have you lay on the edge of the bed and mouthfucks you like an ASU undergrad. It is just too one dimensional in the acidity and lactic components to really have widespread military applications. If Upland and Trinity did a collabo it would be like holding one mirror up to another in an endless two-dimensional array of images each CASCADEing back upon another. To be clear, if the comparison wasn’t leverage, the Trinity offering is a PRETTY GOOD if labeled as a Berliner or a straight up wild ale. If this were 2010 and Brute were still the hottest bitch on the block, this would dominate. Tastes have evolved and the Trinity might have difficulty stirring up the more complex palate boners with St. Bretta sitting right there on the shelf.

Winner: Cantillon Goysea

D: I guess in a way, the simplicity of the Trinity makes it more appealing for longer sessions, but this is tamed by the acidity. You CAN listen to the entire discography of Pennywise or Too $hort, but fatigue will set in due to the lack of dimensions present. But for the same reason, I wouldn’t want to drink Cantillon backtobacktoback. I know somewhere there is a landlocked dipshit who just rubbed one out to the Etre inventory, but stay with me. If I am going to have a single 750ml, sure Cantillon all day. But if we are talking about playing Dark Souls and dying over and fucking over, taking deep frustrated pulls from the glass, the Trinity wins in that regard. Perhaps that is a return to the simple roots of the lambic fabrication before it became a hobbyist market with stretched nutsacks coveting bottles and cellaring action figure bottles ad infinitum. So in that regard, the Trinity offering perhaps is a return to the rustic Belgian roots, albeit unintentionally.

Winner: Trinity One Week Monistat 7 Goyzie

OVERALL WINNER:

Cant fade the classics. Put on Too $hort “Just another Day” and tell me it doesn’t bang.

Well there you have it. Two completely different beers, one a classic goozie, another essentially a berliner/short attention span AWA that holds a place in my heart.

BEER IS SRS BEZNIESS.