Things weren’t always this way here at Dontdrinkbeer. I didn’t used to always sip on Brabantiae and tell people to finger their dickholes. There was a time that I used to walk to the store and actually buy a beer off the shelf and review it like someone would seriously read that and give a scintilla of a fuck. I guess that is still better than laying your iPhone on its side and doing hundreds of shitty 8 minute long video reviews like other sites. Anyway, to show how far we have come, I am posting one of my first reviews today for your
displeasure. You can feel free to still finger your own dick hole.
United Kingdom (England)
English Pale Ale | 4.70% ABV
A: This head is overbearing, the agitator has gone overboard, I had to pour in two stages, it’s been like 4 minutes and this head is still relentless and menacing. It is glaring balefully undisturbed, letting me know that it waits for no man. Three fingers, thick and frothy, relentless. It is a pale yellow and looks mildly inviting.
S: its the delicate penumbra between a pilsner and a pale ale, save the stamp, nothing to write home about. You get some sweetness, light cornbread, a gentle type of fuggles/szaz hop. Nothing too lose your balls over.
T: The head is an impenetrable fortress of foam, upon penetration it is like Stephen Crane’s Red Badge of Courage, a straight charge on a single menace, a thin, light flavor with a clean finish. There’s some caramel and light malts but again, this is for islander nations who enjoy having several pints of shitwater in lieu of a couple really good beers. Wait, that includes Americans as well, well shucks.
M: The mouthfeel is like a crew of asian kids with one sick brawler who knows mad martial arts. This sick asian kid is the head, after you defeat this punishing master, the remaining mouthfeel is as thin as a sheepskin condom, light, no coating, a good session ale if it wasnt so gassy.
D: It is what it is, you look across the 8 taps this bar offers, a melange of mediocrity, 5 domestics, guinness and then this, just the pale English Pub Ale to the beguiled Stout that is Guinness. It is a flash of inspiration with a series of 16oz dominoes clicking in predictable, unfulfilling succession. not bad, much in the way a Michael Bay move is not explicitly bad, but nothing surprising. the mild explosions are expected and the plot twists in the palate are predictable and subtle.
Narrative: Your friends say that your new English gadget is nothing special, sure, it’s basically a Tivo, but more expensive, and ok it’s not as accessible, but its a Widdickson’s! the best English television recording unit known to the UK! It will record all your episodes of Top Gear and Doctor Who. It even inserts “U’s” into wourds where they do not beloung! Yes this Widdickson’s is the ultimate media device, it automatically pauses all shows and skips any 1-800-Dentist commercials offered. It…it is from England is…that’s what I am trying to get across here.