I know what you are thinking “PUMPKIN BEER? Where the hell is the Citra review no one we have been waiting for?” Well to tithe you over, put on your skanky Halloween costume and enjoy this pumpkin jam.

Kern River Brewing Company, Pumpkin Ale, 6% abv

BONUS PIC, here’s where I got this beer from:

A: This beer looks almost like a pilsner but with a bit of an orange hue to it, tons of tiny bubbles provide a nice lacing that subsides almost immediately. The biscuit clarity leaves a sort of cornbread meets golden hue melange.

S: There is a hint of pumpkin sweetness, a touch of cinnamon, and a dash of allspice. Those are to be taken quite literally because the nose of this beer is not an autumnal overload. It is reminiscent of fall in the same way that backpacks are, in a muted roundabout manner.

T: The taste lacks all the charm of the nose and instead offers up a crisp moderate sweetness that fades almost immediately into a mild hoppy character. This isn’t the pumpkin blast that some other offer up, nor is it the spice overload that other fall beers take either. In sum, the tastes is almost like an adjunct lager with some hints of cinnamon and pumpkin zest.

M: This is mildly bready but the notes fade quickly and leave just a tame hop profile and some allspice in your mouth. It is underwhelming and feels like the pumpkin was added as an afterthought to an existing blonde.

D: This is incredibly drinkable, but any low abv beer without an aggressive profile will be drinkable. Ultimately this just fails to deliver in the aspect that it most heavily touts: making with the punkin. If Final Fantasy 7 bragged all day long about the Knights of the Round materia, put it on the box, and made it seem like it was an integral part of the game, people would be pissed. The average person doesn’t want to breed black chocobos all day and when I am promised pumpkin and given watery cinnamon, I bid the beer adieu. I say good day sir.

Narrative: “I think you know why I called this meeting, Royce” Mr. Wallerson boomed while staring out the floor to ceiling glass windows, gazing out upon the dirt lot across the street. “Sir? I, uh that is, not exactly-” “ROYCE, when I hired you as our logistics systems analyst, you knew that we had a multifaceted resort to build, did you not?” “Yes, yes sir but I don’t see-” “AND, in the course of your duties, where did you infer that buying and storing mashed pumpkin slurry was somehow a requisite to this position?” Royce exhaled ruefully and realized that the jig was up. “I just, I always” “YOU ALWAYS WHAT? It’s just always customary to keep rotting pumpkin bits in your desk? That’s just part of the job description? Well here I have the employee manual that you were provided and it rea-” Royce stood up and clenched his fists and stared a white hot gaze right through Mr. Wallerson. His gaze was so intense that it stopped him dead in his tracks. “Yes sir, it was my secret, you know what ISN’T A SECRET? Pumpkins are a part of the Cucurbita family, they contain potassium and vitamin A, and they were once recommended for removing freckles and snake bites. SURE, everyone knows that. You know what everyone DOESN’T know? That you have sex with the HR rep assistant on a bi-weekly basis.” Royce stared down his brow and walked intently over to Mr. Wallerson’s desk. “So unless you want some more pumpkin facts: why don’t you stay the fuck away from my desk.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out some mushy, lukewarm pumpkin sludge and placed it on the desk on top of the Employee Handbook and walked calmly out of the room.