Bad Penny, More Like Ass Pennies

As a special weekend treat, I have provided you with a review of a horrible beer. For your weekend enjoyment, I give to you: Bad Penny.

Big Boss Brewing Company, Bad Penny Brown Ale, 5.2% abv

A: You ever just glance across the room at someone and know that they are going to have an irritating laugh? Maybe an old chestnut about an ex-wife or spin some yarns about a recent foreclosure? That’s how I feel when I open this underwhelming beer. It is Brown, sorta, like a penny left carelessly near the tracks, but not interesting enough to have been run over. The carbonation is as mediocre as the second season of My So Called Life (read: extremely) and it just feels like a chore to look at, like I should be accruing paid time off just contemplating this beverage.

S: There is some roasted malt, biscuity character, and some brown sugar. Like the amount you would find in a stoic convent, the grains are discrete and hardly numerable. It’s tough to come up with more to say about such a lackluster brujaha. It’s like finding a penny that was left in the wash, that happened to leave nice copper stains on your favorite shirt.

T: How fitting that a beer, called bad penny has such a metallic taste to it. This is like what would happen if Newcastle got into a car crash and a team of Samoan scientists had to rebuild him using only scrap parts. There isn’t that creamy taste or delicious nuttiness. It puts its best foot forward and introduces itself with a hoppy, coffee-like body, that at the same time reminds me of the taste of iron. There is a tiny bit of sweet maltiness at the end, as a sort of a consolation prize, but you end up feeling perplexed as to how such a simple beer could mistreat your daughter and pets so savagely.

M: No Updike treatises here, just a quick deposit at the old coinstar, aka, my mouth, and it is on its way. I am the one left bereft of 10%.

D: This is crisp, clean, and tastes like a Johnny Five’s taint, so I guess if you like knocking back some low abv metallic nectar, have I got a beer for you. Actually, I don’t, because I got this one as an extra and would never pay for this again but, there’s always next Prom, I’m sure Bad Penny will ask you then. The theme of disappointment should be underscored. Bad Penny tastes more like ass pennies, a statement you can take to the bank.

Narrative: The smoldering wreckage was a sight to be seen on the Five O’Clock news. Everywhere paramedics and emergency officials were attempting to pull bodies from the mangled debris of what used to be a train. “Please, Penelope Ferrus, tell us how this entire thing occurred, any statement would be appreciated….FOR THE VICTIMS PLEASE!” the reporter called to Penelope, aka Bad Penny, local rabble rouser and all around charlatan. “Yah see, me and some of the goils was horsing around near the tracks, Edna was jonesin for something refreshing and I says to her, ‘I bet by a country mile you aint got the whatwithya to run out and touch them there tracks, and I indicated to-’” Bad Penny was not only a bad person, but also a horrible orator, her statement could not be cut to less than 4 minutes of pure dialogue until finally she concluded: “so then I tells Edna to ‘Ah go sit on it!’ and we watch as the steam carriage just went and rolls right over the penny, same one from before, the one Edna got in Versailles, the one from those dames who had all that ferrium nitrate, anyway that one we went and left on the tracks, that same one, funniest thing, locamotive clips it and spins like a Louisville top in the midair, what with ejecting all the people and-” The jury watched this statement over and over after it was submitted into evidence and couldn’t believe the whimsical account that Bad Penelope provided. The jury examined the penny itself as exhibit 46 from the prosecution, just before Penelope flipped it into the jury box and made a distasteful Harvey Dent reference.