And the winner of the adjective stacking contest goes to...Stone Kona Coffee Macadamia Coconut Porter

Stone Kona Coffee Macadamia Coconut Porter, 8.5% Abv

A: It looks like a fantastic deep porter with a light slickness to it and a radiant shine like the coat of a well groomed pug. The head is huge, also not unlike a pug, and the foam and sticky lacing leaves the glass looking like a marshmellow snuff film, it is everywhere.

S: The coffee is there in a huge way, not flat, old coffee notes, I mean like fresh pot that was iced right in front of you. There is a vanilla and coconut note to it that nestles in the back just nodding its head in 2/4 time all gangster. There is a strange booziness to it the comes across almost like a sweet heat, like fresh macaroons, BUT BAD ASS MACAROONS, like macaroons that smoke black and milds and whittle into desks during detention.

T: The taste is very unlike the nose and imparts an initial sweet maltiness that has a toffee vanilla slickness that subsides into an acidic coffee tartness. The lingering taste is a greasy nutiness that I can only assume is the macadamia nut, but it almost comes across as diacetyl, I don’t want to throw the D word around like Limited Too underwear though, so I will be more judicious.

M: The mouthfeel is slick but has that macaroon sweet waft at the end that lingers. The ABV is more present than I was expecting, all things considered, but it isn’t annoying, it just makes it come off more like a baked good than a deep coffee pensive rod of judgment. You know, the black, rod of…never mind.

D: I am not exactly putting this away like porn when I hear the garage door. It remains there, angry, complex, deep, in short completely divorced from reality like the hipster population of Los Feliz. But this beer probably has some adjunct that a stage 9 vegan can’t have anyway. I bet the coffee isn’t even east facing, low precipitation, fair trade, union, waxing moon beans. It is delicious and I enjoy sipping on it, but it doesn’t completely blow me away. I remain unblown throughout the proceedings, away or otherwise.

Narrative: The waters of the Polynesian straits were nothing to be trifled with. Ku’tuantala was a brave seafaring man, solitary in nature. The other villagers questioned his diet, they derided his mesomorphic appearance, and entirely chastised his plans for colonizing a new island. Sure, populating an island empire alone had reproductive difficulties on paper, but he was willing to overcome these goals. His shallow vessel was packed to the gills with fresh unroasted coffee beans for late night walks, macadamia nuts, for currency of course, and vanilla beans, for long term investments. It remained unclear if his local currency would carry over in his new solitary expediti- “FOR GODS SAKE WALTER WILL YOU GET BACK IN THE BOAT!” The loudspeaker of the Eliminator jet boat boomed at the mid-40’s Ku’Tuantala. “Walter no return to couples retreat, no more talk about feelings!” the brave warrior roared back, sucking on a vanilla bean. “Act your age Walter, this is insane, you have to return the resort’s kayak’s otherwise we lose our deposit, OH SO NOW THIS IS MY FAULT? WALTER!” Yes the new island would be a great land replete with confections looted from a hotel room and completely devoid of pestering wives.