Years from now we will look back on these initial aggressions as the culminating hour before the “Pumpkin Wars” claimed so many. A single pulpy Serbian bullet that sets forth a gourdy chain reaction from which we may never return.
While polishing your squash-fueled bionic prosthetic by an LED flame in an underground bunker, you may someday recall these Pumpkin conflicts with a baleful gaze, your eyes illuminated a flickering azure against the polished titanium walls.
The reviled seasonal beer then became a protected, nationwide, mandatory staple first in grocery stores, then state mandated. Those incompetent pundits we derided as Beer Advocate entry level dipshits with partial custody now were our rulers. It became a capital offense to openly mock pumpkin beers or stifle the innumerable discussions about them.
When the burnt sienna pumpkin fumes cleared, all that was left was the ruling pumpkin oligarchy. If only we had acted sooner, we might not be sipping these hateful allspice and nutmeg libations on the brink of annihilation. Humanity changes but-
Pumpkin beer. Pumpkin beer never changes.