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Top 8 Beers to Drink if you Refuse to Vaccinate Your Child, NUMBER THREE WILL SHOCK YOU!

Craft beer saw HUGE gains in 2014, and took massive strides against reviled MACROBREWERIES, demonstrating the clear changing of the tide for top tier consumables in the life of the average consumer.  More people elected to drink non-pasteurized and bottle conditioned beers, home births are on the rise, and naturally most beer drinkers are contemplating whether they should embrace modern medicine and immunize their children.

This is a serious decision, and like all great beer culture, a pairing is a natural extension to making this life altering choice.  SO HERE IS A LIST OF EIGHT BEERS TO DRINK IF YOU DECIDE NOT TO VACCINATE YOUR CHILD!

Number Eight: Alesmith Brandy Barrel Old Numbskull – http://dontdrinkbeer.com/2014/06/30/alesmith-brewing-co-old-numbskull-brandy-barrel-edition-got-my-barleybones-a-throbbing/

It is a serious decision.

Whenever you start putting back some serious 11% beers, you might question that vaccines prevent communicable disease and impart lasting immunity, it happens all the time.  Once you get sufficiently hammered on sticky raisins and dates you will realize that vaccinated people are the most immunocompromised, and are always the ones contracting the diseases against which they were vaccinated.  Tell me that hasnt happened when you drank BA barleywines, like every time.

Number SEVEN: Tired Hands Westy XIII http://dontdrinkbeer.com/2014/06/18/tiredhandsbeer-i-put-13s-on-the-westy-now-all-the-tickers-mirin/

SO TRUE

If you have ever sat down and had saison yeast in a 13% quad then you know this topic has come up.  Someone will bust out Settlers of Catan and invariably someone will start talking about how every single study used as “evidence” that vaccines are safe erroneously compares side effects from one vaccine to side effects from another vaccine, effectively canceling them out.  Then shit gets super real at the game night.

Number Six: The Bruery Wineification I http://dontdrinkbeer.com/2013/12/31/thebruery-wineification-the-first-full-legit-review-on-the-internet-stompin-on-your-grapes/

TYPICAL

Maybe it happens when you are at Ross, maybe it is Claimjumpers, you open a 450 bottle count wine must infused imperial stout and THE TOPIC COMES UP.  While you are trying to appreciate the nuance of the tannins and barrel profile someone will ALWAYS BE LIKE “Little do most people know that the first vaccine ever produced, for smallpox, was a complete disaster. The health consequences in those who received it included syphilis and death

NUMBER FOUR: Three Floyd’s Baller Stout and MURDA’D OUT STOUT http://dontdrinkbeer.com/2013/12/14/3floyds-baller-stout-vs-murdad-out-stout-what-a-complete-waste-of-time/

Since we all usually open these together, several times a week, I already sympathize with the gravity of the decision lain at your feet.  You’ll be watching Burn Notice, trying to pick out the component nuances of the beers and then, out of nowhere you realize: Vaccines are highly profitable for drug companies, which aren’t held liable for damages.  You dont even know if that is true, but you feel like it is something you should just post on facebook, not even citing shit, because you suddenly are both a medical professional and a lawyer, thanks to these two beers.

NUMBER THREE: Cantillon Crianza Helena http://dontdrinkbeer.com/2012/12/19/cantillon-crianza-helena-the-face-that-launched-a-thousand-shits-on-ebay/

We all have walked down this well-tread path.  We are gonna sit down and open a Cantillon one off, for like the third time this week, to cool the nerves from the stress of working at Staples.  BOOM.  You are enjoying the complexity of the barrel blending and a little voice calls out “all vaccines contain deadly, neurodamaging chemicals like aluminum, mercury and formaldehyde. Many vaccines are also loaded with monosodium glutamate (MSG), antibiotics and even genetically modified organisms”

You might not even be a physician or even know what those things are, but you have rare beer and opinions, and you will be buggered if you don’t pop them both open in front of people.  IT IS NOT JUST ME IT FEELS SO GOOD TO KNOW.

At this point you realize that you have been vaccinated and didn’t even NOTICE THAT NUMBER FIVE WAS MISSING.  Because vaccines in children cause long lasting computational errors.

NUMBER FIVE: 2004 Fantome Ete http://dontdrinkbeer.com/2012/12/07/fantome-saison-derezee-ete-slaying-that-elusive-ghost-whale/

Listen, just because something is ultra desirable for years and years doesn’t mean that people will care about it forever.  You must have felt that gnawing in your soul, knowing something wasn’t right with your coveted Fantome collection, the way the baby wheezes while positioned on his stomach. Then it hits you, International studies looking at the health outcomes of unvaccinated children compared to their vaccinated peers have repeatedly shown that the unjabbed are generally less afflicted with allergies, autism, behavioral disorders, autoimmune dysfunction and respiratory ailments.

You don’t know if that is true, but it FEELS CORRECT.  If the vaccines were so desirable then why aren’t they on the ISO:FT boards? It is like Abyss all over again, your vaccine cellar in your body is faded and over the hill.  Everyone knows it.

NUMBER TWO: Surly CynicAle http://dontdrinkbeer.com/2012/12/03/surly-cynicale-for-all-the-sophists-cynics-epicureans-and-stoics/

Somehow, between chaining together sugar water and neglecting all other life duties, you have time to make concrete decisions about your child, even if they are wildly contrary to modern medicine.  Surly Cynicale always brings this out in Minnesotan consumers who, despite clear documentation, continue to breed.  I feel like there isn’t a person who hasn’t been in a Minneapolis watering hole without hearing this old chestnut: “Vaccine companies can’t be sued if you or your child is harmed by vaccines. If vaccines really are as safe as the jab-pushers constantly claim they are, then why was the National Childhood Vaccine Injury Act passed in 1986, exempting vaccine and drug companies, as well as health practitioners, from liability in the event of injury or death?

I mean, it sounds like bullshit but, you are wasted on Czar jack, so what do you know.  There’s so many lakes and so few places to learn how to science.  It seems legit, I mean, you just had unprotected sex, not a law degree seminar.

NUMBER ONE!!!!!! De Cam Framboise http://dontdrinkbeer.com/2014/07/02/de-cam-framboise-lambiek-you-only-yolo-once/

At this point I mean, who gives a fuck really? You are already at least $321,000 deep per child so, why not forge your own path and just dig deep in the cellar for a beer that just goes hard in the paint.  The crushing reality of responsibility weighs deep on your immune system and an agrarian society seems not unpleasant in the face of attempting to mortgage a new property with additional bedrooms.  So why not De Cam? At the end of the day maybe Natural exposure to disease is the best vaccine. Truth be told, the only way to truly develop vibrant, lifelong immunity is to live your life as you normally would, but without injecting dead (and in some cases live) viruses and chemical adjuvants into your muscle tissue. Natural exposure to whatever diseases are lurking in the world is the only way for the body to develop permanent antibodies that will forever protect against disease

Or maybe you are stupid dipshit who failed high school Biology because you had a constant hormonal imbalance, caused by vaccines, resulting in perpetual erections.  Your kid will be a complete asshole and demand an SS Camaro at age 15 regardless of what antiquated medicine you choose to embrace.  THE VINTAGES CHANGE BUT THE CELLAR REMAINS CONSTANT!

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STONEFRUIT CAGEMATCH: @SideProjectbrew vs. @Pizzaboybrewing , SO PITTED BRAH

Not content to just score just one of these 300 bottle releases, I set out to land all four and have a WWF Battle Royale, Columbian ladder match, RCp90s in the Stack, slappers only.

taking down four rare 750s m'lady

taking down four rare 750s m’lady

So we all know about the PAjotenland turning out all of the authentic american lambic, all those tired ass jokes.  But what about this darkhorse in Missouri constantly sniping with a .300 knockout from the weeds? What about Side Project’s headshots?  The only sensible thing would be to make a cuvee in my liver and let them duke it out.  The only loser is my body and the resultant GERD.  Let’s drop acid in today’s review:

MATCHUP #1  – PEACHES

peach, I could eat a peach for days. Faceoff reference completed.

peach, I could eat a peach for days. Faceoff reference completed.

Peachfunker vs. Peche Du Fermier

Both of these bad ratchets were $30 and a 300 bottle release. So even weight class, with equal hype in their corner, but who takes the belt in this stonefruit seed? Well first and foremost, can we all take note that the Pizzaboy bottle looks like trubslurry autolyzed garbage? I mean really, that’s beyond turbidity to just straight up Kerns and juicer dregs.  It looks like complete shit and the carb is minimal.

The nose on the Funker is admittedly awesome, like working in a fruit packing warehouse, reminds me of that one scene from La Bamba, except migrant workers are far too exploited to drop four hours wages on some stupid ass consumable. The nose on the Fermier is good but lacks the tannic punch of the Funker.

TFW the pits kick in

TFW the pits kick in

Taste wise the Fermier destroys the Peachfunker without mercy, it isn’t even close.  It is like when you pick M. Bison and make the other person try to use Zangief.  The fermier has exquisite balance, not too acidic, not a one dimensional lacto Cascade/Upland adventure, it delivers on so many levels.  It has wafts of Haribo peach rings, chardonnay, white grape must, peach jolly ranchers and tropical jolly ranchers.  I was bracing myself for excessive acidity but it seems to have avoided that route as well, which sucks for old DDB because that low hanging fruit is so easy to bomb on.

The peachfunker is just deficient and reminds me of the fucked up bottles of Bruery Filmishmish, to compound that I traded big for this and it costs twice as much as the defective bottles of Bruery slurry further compounds the problems.  The hefty sludgey mouthfeel doesn’t do itself any favors and it comes across like Roebeks over and above a nimble american wild ale.

WINRAR:

that panamera is shitting on the 911

that panamera is shitting on the 911

ROUNDTWO: APRICOT MEXICAN STANDOFF

Alright so Peach Fermier took the first round, but can the Funkers make a bold comeback with those tinier, tarter, more stoney of fruits?  Let’s fucking find out instead of all this neck kissing and freak dancing.

Tile work on fleek

Tile work on fleek

The apricotfunker looks better, but still, come on now, look at that fucking shit.  Out of the gates it is hard to equate these two when one is attempting to do backflips looking like an emptied White Labs vial. You can dip your finger in it and it coats like pie filling, lemon meringue pie smashed on a Foreman grill. The Fermier looks standard, nothing really to comment upon one way or another, so it wins by virtue of not dropping a pulpy deuce in its True Religion jeans.

On the olfactory, the Funker wins again and I can only assume that adding a staggering amount of fruit will do that.  At a certain point I question the credibility of the underlying beer because it is shrouded in so much fruity fondant.  The base beer could have been a Dortmunder or a fucking Gose, with that much fruit you are pushing an apricot cart and happen to have coronas in tow as well.  The apricot nose on the fermier is sharp and exhibits a massive tannic presence, juicy and dry like kumquats.  It is by no means bad, but the nose on the Funker is straight up Dole mouthkissing Sunkist.

i opened so many rare bottles guize my real life is so cool just trust me

i opened so many rare bottles guize my real life is so cool just trust me

The taste front is much much closer in this one because the Apricot funker is actually really fucking tasty.  It has this 2% milk mouthfeel from the weighty fruit and orange julius tones are present in full force.  The fermier is nimble as fuck, FG 1.00000 and contributes this finish that is as long as the credits to Metal Gear Solid II. Both are fucking stellar and it isnt any of this boring Mayweather shit, no technical sparring between these two, it comes down to preference.  I feel like the Fermier is more refined and demonstrative of poise and ability, but the Funker just hits hard with pulpy fruits.

WINRAR:

THE FERMIER. pic not related

THE FERMIER. pic not related

OVERALL BATTLE:

If I have to put the fermiers at each other’s throats like Amores Perros, it would almost be a dual knockout.  Both are incredible in different ways, and equally impossible to land so why are we even bothering with this shit.  I would say that Abricot Fermier simply because it exhibits this distinctly regal quality of intense drinkability, brett C depth, and a long dry finish ranking in that untouchable Persica batch 1 realm.  When you see the ISOs you dont WANT it to be as good as it is, because fuck anyone who demands a 5:1 with comparably rare bottles.  It is admittedly top tier and no tums were harmed during the documentation of this stonefruit battle.

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Ddb Went to @thebruery Anniversary and Shamelessly Apologized the Entire Time

Once a year necksbeards from near and far huskily flock to Anaheim to enjoy 1oz pours in the out of doors to get a taste of what living in the midwest feels like.

 Except unlike a brewery even in say, Florida, there were a staggering number of pouring stations, quick lines, and nobody even rioted or attacked a storehouse.

  Since there were unlimited pours of everything, they made it clear that they knew beer nerds have zero self control or good judgment. As a result 1oz pours of vanilla coconut Black Tuesday for all.

 These guys are doing some great work.

  Probably one of the truest to style megastouts I have ever had. Valiant brought two entirely forgettable offerings, but at least it wasn’t a lemon head 12% belgian golden like last year. At least.

  The grapefruit kolsch garnish game was on point. This was the first fruit many attendees had seen in weeks.

  The award for shittiest beer of the day goes to this train wreck. Chocolate vanilla Gose with mint Oreos. 2oz was way too much. It’s like eating cookie crisp as a kid home on a sick day then throwing it up while Mr Face stares in Nick Jr based arbitration.

 Kinda disappointing to see beers over 24 hours old at the event, if they could have brought a sloshing full brite tank over on a flatbed that would have been far better. 
The cucumber cask trade winds was actually phenomenal. I was being a judgmental prick in line gurgling out quips and then it was refreshing as fuck. Black Tuesday on nitro was pointless as fuck, especially in a one ounce pour, such meniscus mouthfeel.

 Their barrel offerings are still frustratingly on point, leaving me little to rip on. Selfish bastards. 

 That dreamboat Jeff Bagby was off at a crossfit competition or something and just dropped off a to-style sixtel then peaced the fuck out.

 Best in show. Hands down. 
The best beers of the event were brought by Bottlelogic, trust me I was surprised as well. But one of them was an Arizona Wilderness Collabo so I guess that isn’t too shocking. 

  The guys at green flash were not amused when I asked why they didn’t bring duet or Nelson.

  Fantome carriage was- wait a second.

  I heard a lot about 7 barrel 10 barrel and 15 barrel systems, municipal laws, packaging regulations and market saturation. Ddb picked up enough industry buzzwords to be a philistine for at least another 6 months.

All in all, a pretty fun time, even if Melange 12 was complete wet apple cider spiced garbage. Stone even brought their reduced gluten delicious ipa for the kids with inhalers. Someone stole my taster glass while I was in the bathroom but the joke is on them, I have HPV.

That’s how you get HPV right, drinking from glasses people put on their buttholes? SUCCESSFUL EVENT.
 

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Gristy Goodness. @austinstbrewery Grist Mill, Brett Saisons from Maine, Stephen King str8 turnt up

The hoppy beers flowing from Vermont are a well ensconced commodity at this point and it seemed only natural that overflow markets would emerge from the runoff behind the bulwarks of that state.

 Brett saison, 5.6% 
Austin street has surreptitiously been flying under the radar in days of late. They are rolling out farmhouse meets Brett forward offerings something in between the scissoring nexus of Prairie meets Crooked Stave. They have a core underground following that comes off akin to a Yeasayer fan’s enthusiasm. In fact, when I initially posted the Austin street bottles in a photo I got a few messages pleading that DDB don’t expose their coveted honey hole to the unclean masses. The same shit happened when DDB reviewed the OEC bottles. Those covetous New England scamps don’t want anyone muscling in on their territory.

So what do we have here today? Sure it is an elegantly packaged 750ml that pangs of Allagash branding, but is this saison relevant in an increasingly crowded farmhouse marketplace?

 TFW you see a new saison you want so hard 
The pour has an incredible frothy orange sherbet hue to it, unfiltered wheat grist looking like pineapple juice mixed with milk. The carb is borderline overdone and cascades upwards in time consuming waves like when BAE be staying in the bathroom before you tryna smash for hella long and shit.

The nose is bisquik, sliced honeydew, honeysuckle, ritz cracker, a touch of Brett c musk, closing long and dry like lemon zest. There is a certain “fresh baked” quality like when you go to a tiny panaderia and know someone actually gave a shit and made these sticky bready gem in small batches with attention to detail, none of this industrial mixer bullshit.

The taste dry as a Star Ocean game is long and it eschews the sweetness on the nose for a transmuted grass floral aspect similar to oleanders. Again it feels like White Labs ripped off the 12 Brett strain from Chab Yakobsen, gave it to Chase at Prairie for execution and this fantastic hybrid goat baby was born in the manger filled with hay. If you have ever ripped your favorite lego men In half and recombined them in loving new permutations, this feels so much like that. 

The ultimate farmcomplex 
This beer is familiar enough to feel comfortable but different enough to be exciting, like schmanging your ex- girlfriend’s twin. It is unquestionably well made and those greedy fuck who didn’t want Ddb to talk about this brewery make perfect sense. It is my intent to ruin all the nice things for everyone else. No secrets withheld, a shocking brewery tell all that will leave everyone yeasty and breathless.

As a corollary, this brewery has a hop game that is pretty on point as well. If you enjoyed noble King or Dorothy, this is exceedigly similar and worthy of your face sampling:

  

This isn’t mixed ferm, so it might be odd for some people to reconcile alpha oils with 100% bretty bone dry pithiness, but the end result is a great hybrid for warmer days.

Maine traders about to get lit up hard for these now, just when those Mattina buttholes were contracting ever so slightly.

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@firestonewalker Feral One, a mad decent foray into wild ale standardized testing

Since David Walker no doubt printed out yesterday’s review and distributed it as a company memo to all FW employees, I figured it would be fitting to ramp up the hype for the upcoming Firestone Invitational with some more central coast reviews.

  
Feral one, firestone Walker, Paso Robles, where beer is a second class citizen to viticulture

American wild ale, 6.7% abv

Feral One was the first bottled releases to roll out of Barrelworks and it was received with a not insubstantial degree of fanfare when batch 1 was released, but is it worthy of your precious Fedex dollars and mouth contemplation? The response is decidedly ambivalent because there is much to love, but also an index of forgettability to it.

The pour cascades out with beautiful carb and a ruddy amber and deep orange hue that leaves little lacing or webbing on the glass. At the outset it appears nonstandard in the darker SRM than the typical “phoned-in sour blonde” that we have seen ad infinitum from less inspired brewers.

  

The nose is cut tangerines, clementines, construction paper, orange zest, and touch of musky yearbook. It has a panache akin to sour in the rye and Brettanomite, not deficient, but leans heavily on the Brett L profile. If you have ever made a wild ale with the standard Brett trois strain you know this through and through, but that’s world’s better than retreading the lacto bombs that so many lazy breweries are embracing to push Ph levels downward.

The taste isn’t exceedingly acrimonious and has a gentle degree of gravity to the mouthfeel, never over drying but also leaving things in the 1.00000xxx FG realm. There are notes of pluot, nectarines, kumquat and touch of bready grist to the swallow akin to challah almost. It is intensely drinkable and never asks you to pull over at the next offramp because it needs to pee, like seriously again Feral One with the restroom breaks, what the fuck feral one. 

 Take the word wild ale out of your vocabulary 
The whole experience is pleasant albeit a touch uninspired. I am not saying they should have been indolent mash paddlers and tossed predicable ass peaches into this, but it leaves one without remark, which is ultimately a softer hue of unremarkable. It is hard to fault them because their barrel program is top notch and this fails to exhibit any real shortcomings, but it also fails to demonstrate anything earth-shattering either. Three years ago this would have compelled heads to turn, but the market is saturated with pretty good wild ales on the shelf and this shoulders ranks with the other very good offerings.

Maybe it didn’t set out to be the next Mimosa or Cable Car Kriek, and that is fine, it is in the end a very tasty wild ale without noteworthy flaws. That should be enough for most consumers if they don’t have sand dollar nipples and a pension for perpetual grumbling about fermented water.