I wish that usps could be trusted with all packages. Bottles from Maine to the west coast in 2 days is ultra cutty.
Cigar City beer, Florida
I didnt make that style description up, 10% abv
When I read this was one of the Catador only beers the amount of WAT was not insubstantial. What is a tropical stout? The fuck is the difference in imperial and regular export stouts? Do the rum barrels make it more tropicaler? There were lingering concerns at the outset.
The beer pours jet black and has beautiful carb and nice legs leaving sheets of beige foam dotting the glass. The nose is sweeeet molasses, overripe banana, figs, Carmelized raisins, and TURBinadO sugar. The rum barrel is this needless middle manager telling this already sweet potation to read the OSHA posters in the breakroom and sign the medical provider forms, this beer didn’t need any additional sweetness oversight but, the barrel is there notwithstanding.
Another sweet stout from CCB? GOT EMMMMMMMM!!!!!!
The taste actually adds a layer of raspy roast and TOASTY depth to this sweet endeavor. You get the foregoing but also a sort of dark chocolate, brownie mix, blonde roast coffee, and a cut teak to round things out. With such an apeshit style description I am at a loss as to how to improve upon something so esoteric. This isn’t bad but could use some dialing in with regards to the saccharine olfactory profile and some additional balance to the muddled raisin taste.
Detroit isn’t ready for this.
I wouldn’t refuse another pour in the future, but that wildly hypothetical scenario assumes I have any friends who can tolerate my company. Taking down a full 750ml would be quite the task but not impossible if you load up an entire season of Daredevil and get to grinding it out.
I would say lazily seek this out but don’t trade anything apeshit for it, unless you happen to be well stocked with ape feces, then by all means, push that fedex policy to the limits.
“What Ohio breweries do you like? Brb sending you every single Great Lakes beer available”
If you know anything about recipe engineers and gourmand specialists without “BRICK AND MORTAR” breweries per se, they need to take out substantial health insurance policies for patting themselves on the backs so vigorously. A torn rotator cuff is expensive and subacromial bursitis related to drafting a beer recipe on paper and having little to no engagement to actually creating it can cause serious health effects.
So imagine Jeppe’s elation when clickbait mogul THRILLIST asked them to wax philosophical about the labels that they designed for the recipes that they designed that were brewed by other people. If you are already wiping the perspirsation from your brow I don’t blame you, being a flavor technician is hard work. Without further ado here is the article on THRILLIST unironically presented:
14) Christmas Eve in a New York Hotel Room
Man I bet you loved typing this one into untappd and just wondered WHAT COULD HAVE INSPIRED IT. I bet it was an obscure passage from a Don Delillo book, or wait, some Noam Chomsky analysis, wait, here it comes “I decided I would never make a Christmas beer. But then I changed my mind, and made a stout that has nothing to do with Christmas, just to make fun of it. I actually spent Christmas Eve in a New York hotel room before I moved here, and we ate Thai food” OH SHIT ULTRA TROL. Wow, that lengthy needlessly wordy title was just…”I was here when on this holiday, Americans are fucking stupid.” Nice, take my $18.99 for this underwhelming nonbarrel aged beer. No please, enjoy your mediocre scores and then brag about the label, we need to know about it.
13) Wet Dream
Holy fuck the Danish are known for cleverness, land of poets and prosiac dreamers, listen to the explanation for this nocturnal emission: “we had the idea to make a brown ale with coffee, and explained in an email how it would taste, because of the rosiness playing with the coffee, and said, “doesn’t that sound like a wet dream?” So we called it Wet Dream.” Nice because no one else had ever had the idea of adding coffee to a brown ale, such ejaculations. The depth, it is like analyzing a Thomas Pynchon novel.
12) Biscotti Break
Oh fuck hold on to your hats for this epic breakdown “we tried to replicate a biscotti, and used almond, coffee, and vanilla. And that’s pretty much it. Why it’s called Break, it’s like a play on the coffee break,” I would have needed to download the Criterion collection to crack that srs code.
11) Ryan and the Gosling “it’s a play on Ryan and the Beaster Bunny, and Ryan Gosling. But we didn’t want to call it Ryan Gosling, because we didn’t want to get sued or some shit, so we changed it out a little bit.” Alright so you wanted to illegally appropriate a celebrity likeness but also reference Chad from Crooked Stave, BEASTER BUNNY was the next likely move, top 10/10 to the copy editors, we all got that. The beer could have been called CHAD AND THE SAND WORMS FROM BEETLEJUICE and no one would have given a single fuck.
You think they know what the fuck Star Fox is? Wrong, some other uninspired shit “Falco is because it’s based on a hop blend called Falconer’s Flight” ohhhh fuuuuu- that’s literally it. Shortening the name of a single hop blend. Evil Twin gets paid for this shit.
9) Spicy Nachos
” Ed Westbrook owns Westbrook Brewing Company, he’s a very good friend of mine, and we make a lot of beers down there. Ed’s wife calls him Spicy Nachos, and it is so fucking weird, and we tried to figure out why, but they will not tell us.” So surely you make a completely different beer not like…totally centered around his…you put cheese and jalapeno in this didnt you? FUCK. “But then it’s actually spicy nachos beer, made with corn and jalapeños,” Somewhere there is a Nissan GTR peeling out fueled by South Carolina dipshits.
8) Even More Jesus
Surely this has a biblical verve, it can’t just be some uninspired riff like the other- “I wrote, “Jesus, this is expensive.” And then I did another one, and it was even more expensive, and wrote, “even more Jesus.” Ok. So you literally made a label laughing at how much you could charge 12 Percent customers for a beer brewed by other people, distributed by other people, then clinking glasses at how much they would pay, it’s serious Denmark Gatsby shit.
7) Hipster Ale
This has to be a self-referential beer where you donate to a specific charity or you use a vegan and gluten recipe- wait what’s that? ” I wasn’t sure if hipsters would find it too ironic, too self-reflexive, so they wouldn’t drink it, but I didn’t give a shit. If it worked, it worked, and if it didn’t, it didn’t. But it worked! We sell a shitload of that stuff.” it was literally just another marketing plot to enact upon the beer community? Nice. Consistency in batches is key.
6) Justin Blabaer
Not only does this hilarious beer infringe upon one of the most sought out beers from Cantillon ever made but LOL OMG WHAT IF IT WAS NAEMED LIKE THE SAEM. Surely that wouldn’t cause any problems- ” [we] kinda forgot about the beer sitting in these barrels at this brewery in Denmark. But then it came over and it’s like, time to make a name. It’s a play on, of course, Justin Bieber, and it’s made with blueberries, the Danish word for which is “blåbær,” and when Americans say it, it kinda sounds like “Bieber.” Also I just wanted to make fun of that dude.” So its a neglected berliner, with neglected fruits, sold for top dollar, using the same goodwill generated from one of the top lambic producers in the world LOL SO FUNY.
5) Molotov Cocktail
This has to have some social consciousness given the incendiary nature of the ” It’s 13%, it’s crazy hoppy, it’s going to be way too hoppy. And a Molotov cocktail is fucking explosive in so many ways, and so unbalanced, and it’s just a cool name. And when you drink it, if you don’t like it, you kinda can’t complain about the taste” Wait what. So you just added dextrose and a long boil and shrugged your shoulders like “LOL CANT COMPLAIN BECAUSE LOOK AT LABEL, is MOLOTOV!” That’s the type of shit an Eastern European hostel would pull. So making that label indemnifies you from taste complaints? If only more recipe masters embraced this novel approach “CANNOT COMPLAIN ABOUT FIRESTORM SAISON…is name after the storm of the fires.”
4) Bikini Beer
I was hoping Evil Twin would walk into some patently sexist territory here based upon the caloric count of this overpriced second runnings beer, but alas, they were vetted ” Sour Bikini doesn’t make any sense at all, but hey, it’s just a fun name.” Sure, I am sure the female consumer base interpreted this in the exact way you intended.
3) Nomader Weisse
Get ready for this epic deconstruction of form and substance “Last year we made NOMADer Wit, a wheat beer, which is kinda like, “no matter what,” and this is the next one after that, that doesn’t really make as much sense, but whatever.” That’s right, they explained to Thrillist that they made a label that makes no sense but, who gives a shit, it just needs to sell, dont act like you stopped and thought about it.
2) Ryan and the Beaster Bunny
Oh wait wait, I got this one, it is a nod to Lewis Carrol and pedophilic- ” My wife came up with this one — Beaster Bunny was the fattest rabbit ever or something like that, in London, who got famous for being so fucking fat. ”
Ok nevermind. These labels not only cannot justify their prices but they seem to have been generated by a random text generator. Tell us next about your “Triple Cyborg Fingerer” roggenbier, surely it will justify the $13.99 price tag.
AND THE ONE YOU ALWAYS WONDERED ABOUT
1) Before, During, and After Christmas
This has to do with the duality of aging and the relentless press of Hegelian dialec- “This one was an IPA, and we released it all year round.”
OH. So it’s just….an ipa. Thank you Evil Twin. I look forward to your collaborations at the old Alesmith facility…please let me listen in on your intense creative writing sessions.
Smog City, Torrance or if you tryna front “Redondo Beach Adjacent”, Ca
Heaven hill barrel aged English barleywine, 13.5% abv
This beer has an apeshit history that I will attempt to relate in tonight’s tale of caramel nocturnal emissions. So if I recall correctly this was originally brewed by someone at Taps in Brea, I won one of the twelve (12) bottles of that back in 2012 and realized that a boner can only get so hard. I loved it. Then I think that brewer moved to Tustin and for two full years I had midwest Homies asking me to get them this draft only, not often tapped beer. It was endlessly frustrating.
If that is correct, now that same brewer has moved to Smog City in Torrance and this is their 1500 bottle brewery only release of this god tier Barleywine, finally bottled. Enough foreplay, let’s put some mileage on that malty sybian.
This pours a radiant deep garnet ruby weapon, fantastically amber and clean. The sheeting almost belies an Abv above the stately ball point pen written 13.5. This like kuhnhenn and Adam from the wood suffers from sticky chondromalacia and falls flat under its own weight. It isn’t quite dead flat but the heft of it seems to drag the nimble thin body down.
This batch maintains that awesome pedigree.
The nose is figs, plum, creme brûlée shell, pralines, and oaked bourbon. It is phenomenal on the waft and closes with an awesome dark fruit to round out the sweetness, my nips are fully torqued.
The taste opens sweet like Carmelized bananas fosters, toasted macaroon, dry over oaked bourbon like Old blowhard, peanut brittle and a lingering Berry like a MALBEC covert ops. It is nuanced and has depth beyond most of the best barleywines of recent memory. If this competed in the infamous blind barleywine tasting it would easily place top ten due to originality and execution.
When I read this was finally bottled
The mouthfeel leaves nothing to be desired and sips like a dry sherry attenuated perfectly with zero fusel waft. I had so many prewritten smog city jokes that I can’t use because this shit is that good. California isn’t the barleywine hub of the world but this lovingly rubs shoulders with Great and Brandy old numbskull.
It is simply a must try and with the carb problems set aside it competes amiably with the absolute best in one of my absolute favorite genres. I know these reviews dont have all the labia jokes you flock to read but it is really good and I can’t punch up compliments and praise with yukyuks like I can dropping deuces on bottles.
Get this release. Srs.
The hnnnnggg :: ounce ratio is croosh
Jester King Brewing, microaggressionville, Tejas
8.3% abv Brandy barrel biere de Garde
Last week we talked about how Council brewing made a musty not even sour BdG and addressed the constantly evolving nature of this dark horse genre. Jester King went all regal and borderline 50n on these tickers with a brandy barrel treatment, yes I know, cognac. But is this tasty?
In a word, yes. It is undeniably a biere de garde in sum and substance. The carb is phenomenal and the srm is that caramel extravaganza of deep orange and ruby amber hues you would expect. The nose is more acetic than I enjoy and falls closer to the realm of flanders red really and exhibits a touch of cherry, maltiness, raspberry nail polish, bready malts, and a long caramel finish.
So many feels in the mouth.
The taste leans even further to the flanders/Wanderer realm and presents a massive bready opened like Hawaiian rolls, red wine vinegar, middle raspberry, Rolos, baked rye, and a sharp currant finish. It is intensely drinkable and the FG is the classic JK 1.0000000000000004. You can pound this and think of Oud Bruins that could have been.
Some may say this is straight american wild ale given its clear interplay with monoculture emphasis but that doesn’t mean it isn’t dry and intensely tasty. If you love Herfst drink the Council offering, if you enjoy Caracterie Rouge, drink this. I would love another clearly inferior beer site to rate the two back to back, the biere de garde genre commands it.
They waiting for the next Fedex box to land.
In sum, this is really tasty and if you liked Wanderer you will love this meticulously crafted entry.